Women Will Never Love the Movies You Love – a friendly note to men…

YOU love the Exorcist because some uppity priest with mommy issues gets inundated by a disgusting wave of green, bilious ejecta while clad in his finest dress robes; not through the entire movie, but you know it will happen eventually.  You pass the time experiencing moments of bemusement over the spinal taps doctors seem to haphazardly employ to solve some inexplicable medical issue, affecting an otherwise effusively energetic and smack-worthy pre-teen girl, which YOU know to be caused by one of your favorite biblical tricksters; that backwards spider walk is always good for a chill-filled chuckle… thank you Hollywood profiteers for the re-release.  And whether you learned this in your college Bergman phase or during your umpteenth viewing of Judge Dredd, you happen to know for certain that Max Von Sydow holds, collectively, every heart of every man, woman, and child on this planet in his hands, and through his mercy those hearts continue to beat… healthy, safe… while he maintains a gentle, yet firm and deadly, grip upon them.  but, should he ever squeeze…

I think you, much like me, love movies where the component parts are, in and of themselves, truly awesome in scale, scope, purpose, and spiritual profundity.  The overall work itself comes secondary to the particulars: the second Star Wars episode was shit, but the Yoda fight scene was enough to send me back to the theaters a second time; made me sit through those awful, AWFUL romance scenes between Annakin and Padme… you sonsabitches…  in any case, I will sit through a movie making the argument to myself that something awesome will happen, something noteworthy that I will one day premise an entire conversation on when in the presence of my peers after a certain number of gin gibsons make it seem like a good idea; or maybe I’ll be continuing to watch something so completely worthless in the academy’s eyes, like most any movie where Gary Busey is the title character, or headliner, or even most notable cameo, with the expectation that he will jump from the rafters, disrupting a drug deal or hate crime, with a resounding one-liner he ripped off from a twelve-year old.  “Hey, buttplugs!  Drop ‘em!”  That is quality cinema, and you effing well know it! 

Now, wait… WAIT!  I’m not saying that a well-crafted film that provides wholesale gratification to the viewer, in terms of storyline, musical score, character portrayal, sound effects, VISUAL EFFECTS, and so on, is not going to find its way into your home video library simply because a midget pool boy doesn’t get thrown into a pack of ravenous dogs as a distraction for bikini-clad co-eds to escape certain, and what would promise to be a strangely erotic doom.  I AM NOT SAYING ANY SUCH THING, sort of.  You can demonstrate some semblance of credibility because you own a psychological thriller (Memento), you can demonstrate your appreciation for the intellectual (The Atomic Cafe), and you can demonstrate an affinity for the romantic comedy (The Witches of Eastwick), and each of these items will elevate your status, in theory if not in practice, in the opinion of your significant other.  She will not, however, stay awake through to the end of these movies, and thus will have no reason to discuss anything YOU like about them, for her frame of reference is completely without any merit whatsoever due to the fact that you, a distinctly inarticulate and impatient person, will have to explain to her what she missed (and you will do a horrible, horrible job). 

She loves that you aren’t solely pre-occupied with the blockbusters, the action flicks, movies about people discovering (through inadvertent means) that they, in fact, possess SUPER POWERS (real, imagined, or suggested through metaphor)… yet she still will not enjoy your favorite movies the way you do.  Do you know why?  Because the movies you love, no matter how good they are, no matter how perfectly executed their plots, no matter how stimulating or thought-provoking, or really just how freakin amazing they are, were never nominated for Best Costume Design.

You both MIGHT enjoy a movie about lesbians…

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