I’ve been a little bit out of it as of late, trying to prepare for upcoming fatherhood by frantically remaking my house into something with as few pointed edges as possible. As a safety precaution, I decided to just have everything laminated, which in hindsight was a mistake, as now I just randomly slide from room to room with little to no control over the matter. But I have now entered into the eye of the storm, with all of the preparations completed and just now waiting for the little bundle of joy to arrive. So I have had the time recently to reconnect to society, and it appears that you guys were feeling nostalgic for 1993. Because everywhere I look, this guy:

Seriously? Bush is gone, so now we have to revert back to talking about Rush Limbaugh? For the love of God, why? Can’t we get somebody new? This Glenn Beck guy might be fun for a change of pace. He’s both mentally retarded AND insane!

But since nobody else apparently wanted the job, it looks like Clinton’s fat old nemesis has stepped in to become Obama’s fat new nemesis. And why not, really? The last eight years have been kinda dull for the Rushster, except for the whole loss of hearing from all the drugs and the occasional jaunt to the Dominican Republic with someone else’s Viagra. So if the Republican party finds themselves in the tenuous present position of having to go up against the “hope and change” BS of today’s Democratic party, who better for the job than the polar opposite of “hope and change” – a big, fat, rich white guy! Status quo, bitches!

So anyway, I guess I’m required by Internet law to write at least one blog entry on the subject of Rush Limbaugh, with a bare minimum of eight fat jokes and at least two references to sex with underage Dominican boys (one out of the way already, hooray!). So let’s discuss Rush’s so-called “first televised address to the nation” since having become the old new President of the Republican Party at last weekend’s C-PAC meeting.

And since a picture’s worth a thousand words, check out these fifty thousand words on the subject of Rush’s chest hair. Try to keep this image in your head while reading the excerpts below.

Wow. Seriously, I ask you, is there anything sadder than a fat man attempting to be sexy? Damned if I can think of it. But I guess when you have such fantastic man boobs, it’s only fair to show off the cleavage. So nice rack there, Rush. Here’s hoping you gave Ann Coulter a stiffy.

And now, let’s delve into the substance of the speech. If, for some reason unbeknownst to me, you have any interest in reading Rush’s speech in full, you can do so by clicking here. Be warned, the entire speech ran for over an hour long, which, for a fat guy, is a pretty impressive amount of time to be standing upright for the entire way. So if nothing else, he’s at least got that going for him. Unlike Rush, though, I lack stamina, so I’m just going to go with the excerpts that best lend themselves towards cruel taunting.

Let me tell you who we conservatives are: We love people. [Applause] When we look out over the United States of America, when we are anywhere, when we see a group of people, such as this or anywhere, we see Americans. We see human beings. We don’t see groups. We don’t see victims. We don’t see people we want to exploit. What we see — what we see is potential. We do not look out across the country and see the average American, the person that makes this country work. We do not see that person with contempt. We don’t think that person doesn’t have what it takes. We believe that person can be the best he or she wants to be if certain things are just removed from their path like onerous taxes, regulations and too much government.

Wow. And this is the guy who accuses liberals of being bleeding hearts? “Conservatives think that all people are cuddly little caterpillars, and if you just remove all the nasty obstacles standing in their way, they’ll turn into big beautiful butterflies!”

Limbaugh’s been hating women so long that he’s starting to turn into one.

We want every American to be the best he or she chooses to be. We recognize that we are all individuals. We love and revere our founding documents, the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence. [Applause] We believe that the preamble to the Constitution contains an inarguable truth that we are all endowed by our creator with certain inalienable rights, among them life. [Applause] Liberty, Freedom. [Applause] And the pursuit of happiness. [Applause]

Those of you with discerning eyes may have noticed a slight slip-up there, as all that stuff about life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness is actually contained within the preamble to the Declaration of Independence, not the Constitution. But in Rush’s defense, just because he supposedly “loves and reveres” something doesn’t necessarily mean he has the time to pay even the slightest bit of attention to it. Just ask his three ex-wives about that.

President Obama has the ability — he has the ability to inspire excellence in people’s pursuits. He has the ability to do all this, yet he pursues a path, seeks a path that punishes achievement, that punishes earners and punishes — and he speaks negatively of the country. Ronald Reagan used to speak of a shining city on a hill. Barack Obama portrays America as a soup kitchen in some dark night in a corner of America that’s very obscure. He’s constantly telling the American people that bad times are ahead, worst times are ahead. And it’s troubling, because this is the United States of America.

Hear that? We can’t even talk about anything that’s currently wrong in America, because that shit is just too damn depressing. Instead, the only thing that we can possibly discuss is how super it is to be an American. If we just ignore all the bad shit, eventually it will all go away. Hey, it worked with the monster that used to live in my closet. I haven’t seen that asshole around for years.

We have a challenge. We’ve got factions now within our own movement seeking power to dominate it, and worst of all to redefine it. Well, the Constitution doesn’t need to be redefined. Conservative intellectuals, the Declaration of Independence does not need to be redefined and neither does conservativism. Conservativism is what it is and it is forever. It’s not something you can bend and shape and flake and form. [Applause] Thank you. Thank you.

The strategy does not need to be changed! <Thwack> Uuuuughhh. Conservativism is what it is! <Thwack> Uuuuughhh. This way to electoral success! <Thwack> Uuuuughhh. Stupid liberals, always hitting me in the face with rakes! <Thwack> Uuuuughhh.

The notion of partisanship, false premise. Let me define bipartisanship for you. Bipartisanship [...] occurs only after one other result, and that is victory. In other words, let’s say as conservatives liberals demand that we be bipartisan with them in Congress. What they mean is: We check our core principles at the door, come in, let them run the show and agree with them. That’s bipartisanship to them. To us, bipartisanship is them being forced to agree with us after we politically have cleaned their clocks and beaten them.

Honestly, the only way that last statement could’ve possibly been any funnier is if it was spoken by one of the Detroit Lions.

Also, in case you missed it, Rush is trying to clarify that to shifty Democrats, bipartisanship is all about making the other party do what they want, whereas with Republicans, it’s instead about making the other party do what they want. So, obviously, two completely different strategies at work there. Thanks for highlighting the differences between the parties, Rush.

Then the last two-thirds of the speech just kind of drifts around back and forth listlessly, with Rush repeating a lot of the same stuff over and over, kind of like you would expect someone stoned out of their mind to do, so we’ll just skip ahead to the end.

I want to thank all of you so much for everything that you have meant to me and my family in my life.

Pretty sure your cats don’t count as family, Rush.

I understand it’s mutual. And I hear people — you have made my heart grow so much that it barely fits in my chest cavity here tonight.

Fairly certain it was the chicken wings and the pills that did that, Rush.

But the things that by virtue of your listening to my radio show and being active in this movement that we all cherish and love, you have meant more to me, my family and my life than whatever it is I might mean to you, even though I know that’s considerable. [Applause] You still can’t outdo the absolute joy and awe and thanks I feel for all of you.

To paraphrase, you mean a lot to Rush, and Rush means a lot to you, but you mean a lot to Rush, and he means a lot to you, but you mean a lot to Rush. Wow, that Oxycontin really has worn away most of his brain stem, hasn’t it?

I’ve been doing this for 20 years and the numbers just keep growing.

[Insert waistline joke here]

And I can’t tell you how appreciative I am and proud to be in a movement with the same passions, desires and core beliefs that all of you have, because we know that it’s right for the country, and we know it’s right for people. It’s not something that has to be forced on them. It’s not something that has to be authoritatively pressed on them.

Unlike Rush on a 12-year-old Dominican boy. (Reference number two! Yes!)

We are what is, and that’s why we are an enemy because we’re effective.

If someone could translate that last sentence into English, I’d appreciate it.

The people that do want control look at us as the enemy. We’re always going to be — don’t ever measure your success by how many Drive-By Media reports you see that are fair to us. Never going to happen. Don’t measure your success by how many people like you. Just worry about how they vote.

So get people to vote for your causes by making them dislike you as a person. Interesting strategy. How’s it been working so far?

And then at the end of the day how they live but that’s really none of your business once they close the doors.

Assuming they’re straight.

Thank you all very much. It’s been great.

I agree. It has been great. Never leave us ever again, Rush. I just don’t know what we’d do without you.