I’m guessing you’re all like me, on pins and needles about how this whole Election thing is going to end up. After all, Election 2008 to this point has been, in a word, bugfuck nuts. So what kind of crazy chicanery are we all in store for in the next week to come? Fortunately for you all, I happen to know the answer. Don’t ask me how I know, but I will now reveal how this year’s election will end. SPOILER ALERT: If you don’t want to have the ending ruined for you, I suggest you stop reading right about now.
THURSDAY, October 29 – After having viewed one of the candidates’ paid advertisement being simulcast on seven broadcast networks, the entire country falls in love with the story and the campaign of one man who claims that he can bring this country the change it so desperately needs – RALPH NADER.
Nader’s poll numbers immediately triple. To .05%.
John McCain takes his attack ads against Barack Obama to unprecedented new levels with the release of a new ad, pointing out to a stunned nation that Barack Obama’s initials are B.O. “Can this nation afford a President with the same initials as Body Odor?” the advertisement asks. “Vote for John McCain, because J.M. doesn’t mean anything that we know of.”
Sarah Palin nearly chokes to death on a piece of wax fruit.
FRIDAY, October 31 – Barack Obama unveils to a stunned nation his Halloween costume – William Ayers. When reached for comment, Obama replies, “Yeah, do something about it.” Obama’s poll numbers go up three points.
The McCain campaign unveils a new robo call in five battleground states, recorded by John McCain himself. In the call, McCain rambles on for approximately five minutes on a neighbor of his who one time, maybe fifteen years ago, had one of his cows wander over into the yard of one of McCain’s twenty-three houses, and how they must’ve spent at least three hours trying to get the damn thing out but it just wouldn’t move, up until finally McCain lost his temper and punched that cow right in the face, and wouldn’t you know it the son-of-a-bitch just up and wandered out. Once completing his anecdote, McCain fumbles with the tape recorder for a while, fails to turn it off, and then accidentally records the sounds of himself going to take a bathroom break.
Joe Biden gives a three-hour speech on the time his good friend John McCain punched one of his cows in the face, somehow ending with the conclusion that Barack Obama would launch nuclear warheads at Bulgaria within three months of being elected. The McCain campaign turns it into an attack ad within fifteen minutes.
SATURDAY, November 1 – Barack Obama makes campaign stops in Florida, North Carolina, Iowa, Missouri, Pennsylvania, and two simultaneous stops in Ohio, during which at one point two Barack Obamas appear on camera at the exact same time. A stunned nation than discovers that Barack Obama is actually an alien race of Barack Obamas from a planet 1,800 light years away, who have come to this planet to infiltrate the major world governments and seize control of the world, with the goal of ultimately destroying it along with all the other planets located in the Milky Way galaxy to make way for the universe’s largest strip mall. Obama’s poll numbers go up another two points.
Unwilling to cede any ground, the McCain campaign announces that John McCain is some kind of a lizard man.
Sarah Palin nearly chokes to death on that same piece of wax fruit.
Bob Barr’s mustache challenges the Barack Obama alien race and John McCain lizard man to a debate the night before the election. Both campaigns decline, although both express amazement on having heard a mustache talk like that.
SUNDAY, November 2 – Determined to make up lost ground, John McCain swears to himself that he will spend all day Sunday campaigning his ass off and, by gum, today’s the day he finally catches up and gives himself an honest chance of winning. After about two hours of campaigning, he gets tired and tells himself he’ll lay down for just five minutes, just to refresh himself, and then back to work. He wakes up at midnight, curses himself out, and then goes back to bed.
OCTOBER SURPRISE! Osama bin Laden releases a tape to Al Jazerra with him endorsing the campaign of John McCain. A stunned nation divines from what they know of bin Laden: Is he the sort of man who would endorse the man he wanted to win or the man he didn’t want to win? Now, a clever man would endorse the man he didn’t want to win because he would know that only a great fool would vote for the man he endorsed. Since the American public are not great fools, they cannot vote for the man bin Laden endorses. But he may have known that the American people were not great fools, so they can clearly not vote for the man Osama didn’t endorse! Feeling very confused, George W. Bush declares a land war in Asia to keep himself busy for the next couple days.
MONDAY, November 3 – On the eve of the Presidential election, Obama throws caution to the wind and actually shows up at the White House to, in fact, measure the drapes. George Bush excitedly obliges, and afterwards tells Laura how exciting it was to have Will Smith actually come to meet him at his house.
Joe Biden gives a speech in Raleigh, North Carolina completely in the nude. The McCain campaign get halfway through turning it into an attack ad before giving up in despair, eating half a box of Mallomars in one sitting, and then all driving home en masse.
TUESDAY, November 4 – A stunned nation trudges to the polls to cast their votes. As the night progresses, state after state is called for Barack Obama, until he finally appears on camera to deliver his victory speech. Halfway through, he calls the president of ACORN to the podium to thank him for his help in “enforcing” the win. They shake hands and the ACORN president stands aside while Obama continues his speech, only to have the ACORN president pull out a steel chair and hit Obama over the head with it. IT’S A DOUBLE CROSS! John McCain runs out onto the stage and he and the ACORN president proceed to kick the prone Obama over and over as the crowd boos. All of the remaining states are called for McCain and the night ends in an exact tie.
WEDNESDAY, November 5 – A stunned nation awakes to the news. “Ah, not this shit again,” they reply before trudging off to see Madagascar 2. The Obama campaign declares their intent to fight to their last man. John McCain declares how very, very tired he is.
THURSDAY, November 6 – Hillary Clinton and her army of supporters emerge from their five-month seclusion in the Appalachian mountains to take advantage of the confusion and seize the reins of power. The coup is almost successful, up until emergency cheesecake rations are flown in to pacify the invaders. Hillary is, understandably, pretty pissed off.
FRIDAY, November 7 – Using his extraordinary depths of knowledge in Constitutional intricacies, President Bush makes an argument for a third Bush term. His case is thrown out, however, when it is revealed that he used the wrong shade of purple crayon to write up his summation.
Although technically any electoral ties are supposed to be decided by a vote in the House of Representatives, it is decided to let the Supreme Court pick the President (again) because, hey, why not. This too ends in a tie when, in the midst of deliberations, Judge Samuel Alito splits into two separate entities, the Good Samuel Alito and the Evil Samuel Alito. Following the verdict, Evil Samuel Alito eats Good Samuel Alito and balance is restored to the Supreme Court.
SATURDAY, November 8 – With the Presidency still undecided, it is announced that the winner will be decided by an American Idol-style phone-in vote. Sarah Palin is elected the new President of the United States.
TUESDAY, January 20 – Russia looks at Todd Palin funny. War is declared. Everybody dies horribly.
Now wasn’t that fun? But again, this doesn’t have to be the future. It can still be prevented, but only if I can find Billy Simpkins of Westchester, Pennsylvania before midnight tonight and eliminate him. He is the cause of all that is to come. So wish me luck with that. See you tommorow. Hopefully.
Despite clearly stating in the third Presidential debate last night that he “didn’t care about some washed-up domestic terrorist from 40 years ago,” John McCain certainly seems to want a lot of people to know some vague, misleading statements about Ayers and *gasp* Obama. His campaign has started a massive robo-call campaign in a plethora of states today, telling voters that they “need to know that Barack Obama has worked closely with domestic terrorist, Bill Ayers, whose organization bombed the U.S. Capitol, the Pentagon, a judge’s home, and killed Americans.”
This whole thing is all about how big the degrees of separation are between Obama and these obviously despicable acts, perpetrated nearly 40 years ago by a group that was defunct before Obama, who was born in Hawai’i and spent a few years of his childhood in Indonesia before returning again to Hawai’i, set foot in the mainland of the United States, in 1979. Let’s look at the facts:
Obama was eight years old, living overseas, when The Weather Underground was founded and lived thousands of miles away in Hawai’i while they were perpetrating their crimes, which ended in 1974.
Obama met Ayers when they worked on the board of an anti-poverty group between 1999 and 2002.
Obama and Ayers were both involved in the Annenberg Challenge, a school reform group funded by a lifelong Republican.
Ayers did donate $200 to Obama’s re-election campaign in 2001 for the Illinois State Senate. Not exactly a princely sum.
Obama has denounced the actions of Ayers and the fellow Weather Underground members.
Ayers has not actually endorsed Obama for President.
Seems pretty cut and dry that this sort of association wouldn’t matter much at all, to anyone, ever. But still, the McCain campaign keeps trying to insinuate that there’s something else there, even though the facts simply don’t bear it out. They try to make it sound like Obama was involved with the bombings of the Weather Underground, which is beyond believable and is downright laughable. It’s like trying to say that Dubya was responsible for the Vietnam War because Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld were part of the government that perpetuated it. Except, that’s a more plausible comparison, because George W. Bush was at least a National Guard Pilot during ‘Nam.
Obama, again, was between the ages of 8 and 13 while Ayers and The Weather Underground did their bombings. I don’t know about you, but the only thing I was terrorizing when I was between those ages was my teachers and my parents.
Some people have said that Obama should never have agreed to serve on a board with a domestic terrorist. Sure, he could have done that. But, refusing to sit on a charity board that was trying to improve the lives of people living in poverty because one guy on the board – despite being a highly respected professor of education, had all the way back in the 70′s, done some despicable things – is pretty damn silly.
Lots of people did bad things in the 70′s. Bellbottoms, platform shoes, Watergate (which a friend of McCain’s, G. Gordon Liddy, spent 4 1/2 years in prison for his role in the break-in of – Ayers never spent time in prison, he was acquitted), Mork and Mindy, ELO, disco, John Travolta, the list goes on. It was a bad decade all around, with many many people doing many many reprehensible things.
So, why should I care? Well, I care because the McCain campaign is flagrantly using a tenuous acquaintance as a dis-qualifier for the Presidency, tricking people who don’t know any better into voting against someone because of a silly, trumped-up reason. It’s a terrible example of the pot calling the kettle, well, black (please excuse the unintended racial connotations of that phrase).
McCain was not only one of the Keating Five, he was personal friends with Charles Keating, a man who had helped fund some of McCain’s campaigns in big ways. McCain’s wife, Cindy, embezzled prescription drugs from a charity she supported to feed her addiction in the mid 90′s. Aren’t these connections equally, if not more relevant than Obama’s connection to Ayers?
Need I remind anyone that the Keating Five Scandal was part of the Savings and Loan Shitstorm in the late 80′s that cost tens of thousands of people their life savings and had an ultimate cost of $160 billion dollars to the American people?
At a time of crisis like this, wouldn’t you rather that someone running for the highest office in the land was focused on the crumbling, see-sawing economy or the two wars we’re engaged in or a million other things more important to our daily lives instead of trying to insinuate that his opponent had some mysteriously dangerous connection to a hippie domestic terrorist from the late-60′s?
Don’t we deserve to be treated like adults for once? One candidate is occasionally trying to do that while the other isn’t even pretending to. McCain has chosen to focus on negativity, tenuous and frivolous connections, hearsay, rumors and fear instead of sticking to his promise, made back in April, to run a clean campaign, focused on the issues. I know that it’s silly to even think for a moment that a politician will keep his word, but come on, he didn’t even pretend to try.
Meanwhile, Obama has held true to his pledge to keep families out of the campaigning. He has never said a word about Cindy McCain or Todd Palin. McCain agreed to this pledge when it was made. But now, guess who’s launching attacks on Michelle Obama? You guessed it, John S. McCain.
That’s the face that my wife and I would refer to as “Dogs Don’t Know it’s Not Bacon!” face.
So thats it. I’m done with politics until the election. I’m done talking about them, thinking about them and even writing about them. I’ll leave you with this:
Go out and get registered to vote, if you aren’t already. Then go and get educated about each candidate from non-partisan sources (if you can find any). Then, tell all of your friends to do the same. After you’ve done all of that and you’ve made up your mind about who you’re going to vote for, head down to your local voting station on November 4th and place your vote. It’s your duty as an American citizen to at least vote, even if you vote for Nader or Bob Barr’s mustache or write in the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.
I think it’s pretty obvious who I’ll be voting for. Barack Hussein Obama. I’ll do it proudly, which will be a first for me. I’ve been able to vote in three Presidential elections and I’ve never had anything other than a choice between bad and worse.
It’s refreshing to have the choice to vote for something better.
So apparently this whole election thing is still going to happen, despite no one entirely being certain if we’ll still be a country a month from now. As such, it’s time for debate number two or three or fifteen or whatever the hell of the 2008 Presidential Election. Come along with us, the Sod nation, as we journey through the highs and lows of when the world’s oldest white man goes head-to-chest with the world’s youngest, hippest black man not named Diddy. At the bell, come out swinging!
John McCain, national hero and second-most famous person over 90 (keep on truckin, Wilford Brimley!) is also a moron. Prior to the current campaign strategy of calling Obama a ‘celebrity,’ the McCain MO was to paint Barack as an elitist. Well looky what I found:
WASHINGTON – Days after he cracked that being rich in the U.S. meant earning at least $5 million a year, Republican presidential candidate John McCain acknowledged that he wasn’t sure how many houses he and his wealthy wife actually own.
“I think _ I’ll have my staff get to you,” McCain responded to a question posed by Politico, according to a story Thursday on the publication’s Web site. “It’s condominiums where _ I’ll have them get to you.”
So either his memory fading, or he’s so decadent that he can’t recall how many houses he owns… Or maybe a bit of both?
Anyone remember what made Obama an elitist? Wasn’t his wife loaded (financially, that is)? Oh wait…
On the campaign trail, McCain doesn’t refer to his wife’s wealth, estimated by some at $100 million and based on her late father’s Arizona beer distributorship.
Does being an elitist play a part in one’s economic policy?
To quote the campaign’s attack: “You know you may just be a global celebrity when you get this headline in Reuters, “Obama Takes Shirt Off Again, Goes Body Surfing In Hawaii.”
I could almost understand the attack if Obama had done this while in a Dennys in Des Moines, because that would show signs of a complete break with reality, which, despite past precident(*cough*George Bush*cough*), we cannot abide in a presidential candidate in 2008. Plus, I don’t need to see anyone shirtless while I’m enjoying my Grand Slam.
I’m not even sure what McCain is getting at with this attack. Taking off your shirt at the beach makes you a celebrity? I guess that makes me George Clooney, or at least Topher Grace, cuz I take off my shirt almost every time I go to the beach. Y’know why? Because I’m at the motherf*$#ing beach, that’s why! That’s what normal guys do when the go to the beach, they take off their shirts. Unless they’re obese and ashamed, in which case they keep their shirts on, but go into the water, anyway, treating everyone to the fat-guy-wet-tshirt-contest experience, which is doubly bad as the simple alternative.
Don’t tell John McCain this, but there are even some beaches where women also take off their tops. Scandalous, I know, but it’s true.
Of course, this might all just be a ploy to distract the press and public from this little nugget about McCain and his staff having monetary ties to the prosperity of the Georgian government. One million of them, in fact.
Is it just me or is McCain’s material a bit more ‘direct.’ Take a look at two recent letters from each campaign, sent August 11:
John McCain and the Republican National Committee are trying to convince you that you’ve been swept up and tricked into wanting change.
They want you to believe that everything is just fine — that we need to stay the course and elect someone who’s voted with George Bush 95% of the time.
To sell this ridiculous idea, McCain and the RNC are using huge checks from Washington lobbyists and special interest PACs to run negative ads attacking Barack Obama and the millions of volunteers and donors who have joined this campaign for change.
While supporters like you are out knocking on doors, registering new voters, and organizing in your local communities, our opponents are not even trying to match your efforts. Instead, they’re spending millions to spread the smear that Barack is just a “celebrity” and that our grassroots movement is just a bunch of mindless fans.
So who is John McCain really attacking? Real people like Brandon, a carpenter from McCall, ID. Stephanie, a registered nurse from Phoenix, AZ. And Pamela, a retired teacher from Franklin, WV.
These are actual people who have made donations to our campaign this week.
Join supporters like Brandon, Stephanie, and Pamela in fighting back against McCain’s negative attacks. Make a donation of $25 or more today.
Your donation will help this movement reach a goal that few believed was possible — 2,000,000 individual supporters owning a piece of this campaign.
And if you make a donation now, your gift will match the gift of a first-time donor. You can double your impact today by inspiring someone else to step up and own a piece of this campaign.
You can even choose to exchange a personal note with them about why you’re supporting this movement.
Will you bring a new supporter into this movement with a donation of $25 or more?
Two million donors is an incredible number — a number that was previously unimaginable for presidential campaigns. And it’s a number this campaign never dreamed we could reach before the convention.
But because so many supporters have stepped up to own a piece of this movement in the face of McCain’s attacks, we are just days away from making history.
And with only 85 days until the election, we can’t afford to do any less.
Make a matching donation of $25 or more today and help reach this historic goal.
McCain is trying to undermine your hope, and we can expect even more misleading attack ads in the weeks ahead. His friends in Big Oil and other special interests are more than happy to keep fueling his efforts with huge checks. They want to keep Washington just the way it is.
Today, you can show John McCain that his attacks won’t slow us down. In fact, his attacks will make us even more determined to build and strengthen this movement.
Help reach this historic milestone of 2 million donors by matching another supporter’s donation of $25 or more today.
Thank you for building this movement for change,
Obama for America
And now McCain:
McCain Team -
We want you to be the first to see our new ad, “Fan Club.” You can view it right now by following this link.
We can all agree that Senator Barack Obama is one of the world’s biggest celebrities and every celebrity needs a fan club filled with adoring fans and Senator Obama certainly has his fair share. You might even be tempted to join this fan club.
If you love Senator Barack Obama enough to join his fan club you’ll love higher taxes, massive federal spending, government-run health care and higher gas prices. Despite Senator Obama’s lack of experience and readiness to lead, he’s still considered dreamy and deserves an amazing fan club – he just doesn’t deserve to be our next president.
John McCain stands ready to lead our country as the next President of the United States. He has laid out a plan to reduce our dependence on foreign oil and strengthen our economy through lower taxes and job creation. He is prepared to serve as our next commander in chief.
But John McCain will need all of our help to get elected in the fall. And that’s why I’m asking you to make an immediate contribution of any amount up to the legal limit of $2,300 by following this link. August is the final month we can accept primary contributions, and your financial support is needed now more than ever.
Please take a minute to watch our new ad, “Fan Club” and make a donation or pass along to your friends and family. Thanks for your time.
See what I’m sayin? Although the McCain spin machine does get 2 points for ending their little video with Wayne and Garth, of SNL’s ‘Wayne’s World.’ What’s it been… 15 years since Wayne and Garth were relevant?
I recently ordered some Obama ’08 stickers… not so much for placing on my own property, but mainly to place on the property of those that despise the man (i.e. a co-worker here in my office). And while I missed the joy of seeing his face when he first noticed the sticker on his office door, I did learn something from the process: even the Obama campaign isn’t using the internet properly.
I knew the McCain camp would be reliant on the older forms of communication, due in large part to the fact that McCain once had a phone number that consisted of a single digit. Zing! But I expected the staffers of the young, hip Obama to be a bit more on top of the new ‘internets.’
Their email correspondence leaves much to be desired. Take a gander:
The initial letter:
Obama for America
Dear Name Removed to Protect the Innocent –
Barack recorded a special video invitation for you to join him at the Democratic National Convention in Denver.
Watch it now and make a donation of $5 or more before midnight this Thursday, July 31st, and you could go backstage with Barack:
Exactly one month from today, on the last night of the Democratic National Convention, more than 75,000 people will come together in the largest stadium in Denver to be part of history.
Barack is opening up the convention and his acceptance speech to as many people as possible. Supporters like you are responsible for building this movement and for bringing this campaign so far — and Barack wants you to be part of this important moment.
Free tickets will be available soon, but if you make a donation in any amount this month, you could be one of 10 supporters selected to meet Barack backstage before he delivers his speech.
If you make a donation by midnight this Thursday, July 31st, you and a guest could be flown to Denver, spend a couple of nights in a hotel, participate in the convention, and then go backstage with Barack before the big event.
Watch this short video and make a donation of $5 or more today to be part of this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity:
The Democratic National Convention is going to be an exciting and important event for this movement and for our country. I hope you will be there to join us.
Obama for America
None of the links in the email worked (the real address is here), so I replied back:
The video links in your recent email did not work… What the dilly yo?
Maybe that’s not exactly what I said, but moving on…
Thank you for contacting Senator Barack Obama and Obama for America.
Barack is gratified by the overwhelming response to his candidacy, and we appreciate hearing from you. Please note, though, that we are now replying only to emails sent through our webform. You may resend your message through the webform here:
We have also created the Answer Center, an easy-to-search database of questions and answers that lets you find information on a wide range of subjects from volunteering to policy positions. Try it out here:
The webform and other technologies help improve our ability to communicate with you and efficiently read and respond to the thousands of messages we receive every week. Please note that you can use it to cut and paste large messages and links to other websites.
Thank you for using the webform, it helps us improve the process of communicating with you.
Obama for America
Paid for by Obama for America
A canned response? ‘Dear Friend’? ‘The’? One of the growing tremors in American politics today is the distance between politicians and the people they represent, and the fresh face in politics sends a generic reply?
But wait… Not all is lost…
-The links worked in the reply letter
-The Obama campaign has something called the Answer Center, a seemingly great concept of FAQ for the masses. (Take that, McCain ’08 ‘Telegraph to Tallahassee’ project!)
My favorite question from the Answer Center?
Is Senator Obama a Christian?
I’m mildly retarded and believe most everything I hear; Is Senator Obama a non-Muslim?
“I don’t think riding in a fighter plane and getting shot down is a qualification to be president.” -Gen. Wesley Clark, on CBS’ Face The Nation, Sunday.
What, if anything, is wrong with that statement? According to the majority of the mainstreammedia, a whole hell of a lot. Or there’s at least enough controversy to sculpt a day’s worth of cable news around, to give Wolf Blitzer a Situation to occupy his Room. Not surprisingly, the fringe media is also having a field day with this, both right and left.
This should also come as no surprise; I agree with his statement. You should, too.
Pull yourself away from whatever side of that swiftboat attack you’re getting ready to jump on and think about what he said- “I don’t think riding in a fighter plane and getting shot down is a qualification to be president.” -what about that is an attack? It’s a true statement.
Just because John McCain flew a plane that got shot down during a war that was predicated on a lie (Gulf of Tonkin), doesn’t necessarily mean that he’d make a better president than the guy who wasn’t even in middle school at the time. Conversely, just because Barack Obama was the first black president of the Harvard Law Review doesn’t mean that he’d make a better US President than someone who wasn’t (or someone who finished 894th out of 899 in his graduation from the US Naval Academy…sorry, that was a cheap shot, but it’s true).
But if these simplistic indicators can’t help us judge which of these two men should be the next POTUS, then what does? Since we don’t seem to have prerequisites to be POTUS (aside from, up to this point, being a wealthy, anglo-saxon male), I guess we’re really shooting in the dark. If we don’t hold up McCain’s service in Vietnam or Obama’s community organizing in Chicago alongside their legislative records and other various personal accomplishments, we’re pretty much up shit creek without a paddle.
The McCain camp has proposed Town Hall-style Lincoln-Douglas debates, which, if done honestly, I think would at least give the people more insight into each man’s vision for the important issues facing us today. But, the Obama campaign hasn’t fully committed to this idea, most likely due to the political maxim against debating someone who you are well ahead of in the polls.
And that’s fine. really. As voters, we’ll have to make it up as we go along just as much as the candidates do. As quickly as they shovel shit at us, we need to sift through it to find out what’s really important and viable. It’s not easy. But succumbing to reactionary, knee-jerk stupidity as crucifying a decorated General such as Wes Clark for making a valid and poignant statement, just because someone may construe it as an attack, well, that’s just dumb.