Moving into a new house is an adventure for all of us. You never know what you might find, what remnants of the former inhabitants might still be lingering in the forgotten corners and drawers.

This week, newly elected President Obama and his family are getting used to their new digs at the White House. But, as with all incoming administrations, they have run across some lingering effects of the Bush administration, some intentional, others not so much. He’re a quick rundown of just a few of the more notable occurrences:

1. The White House pantry was found fully stocked with franks and beans, pre-made PB&J sandwiches and Flintstones vitamins. The fridge had only juice boxes, Lunchables and string cheese.
2. The back lawn has no brush whatsoever. None, anywhere.
3. All keyboards are missing the “B” and “O.” When reached for comment, former White House Chief of Staff Andy Card said that this wasn’t because those letters where Barack Obama’s initials, but because B.O. stands for “body odor” and Bush giggled like a schoolboy every time he heard it.
4. In the White House movie theater, a Girls Gone Wild DVD was left in the player. When Obama’s staff contacted Bush about it, he reportedly got very quiet, evasive and repeatedly claimed that it was not his, then hung up.
5. The new White House groundskeepers were stunned to find out-of-work former Attorney General living in the equipment shed. When asked why he was found sleeping in a hammock above the weed-whackers, Gonzalez reportedly said, “I don’t recall.”

In Iraq, throwing your shoe at someone is one of the worst insults you can possibly hurl. Of course, I didn’t know this prior to Bush having not one but two shoes thrown at him by an Iraqi journalist, but I probably could have guessed as much. Taking the time to untie your shoe, pull it off of your foot and actually throw it at someone from across a room would, I would assume, be a pretty major insult in any culture. I’ve never thrown a shoe at anyone, but I can imagine I’d have to be pretty pissed for it come to that. They’re your shoes, you need them for your feet. Especially if the person you threw them at was the President of the United States of America, and you’d need them to help you run away, cuz people might be chasing you.

I guess this is only fitting though. Bush is one of the most reviled Presidents in recent history, not just in the USA, but worldwide, especially Iraq. This stop was part of Bush’s so-called “farewell tour.” Most bands, when they’re on a farewell tour, get requests yelled at them. I get the distinct feeling that no one is screaming out for “Mission Accomplished” or “The United States Does Not Torture” at this point. Most of them, like this disgruntled journo, would rather just huck a size 10 Nike at Bush’s head.

This is Bush’s own fault. That our country’s standing in the world has fallen so much that the man in place as defacto “leader of the free world” could have something like this happen to him. While I giggle at the idea of Bush ducking two violently flung shoes, I weep for the place our country has come to. Then I giggle again.

Being a Captain, I have some experience with managing groups of things….which is similar to budgets.  So in a way you could say that I might be an asset to the Government during this time of need.

We all know they passed a $700 billion relief package.  Here’s the true scoop based on all my years in the fake military.

$350 billion of it is going to taxes right away.  Just pretend like it doesn’t even exist.

The banks already owe $200 billion to their buddies who loaned them money for pizza and stuff.  So that really means, the bail out is only really going to be about $150 billion. The banks will want to hire some pretty good accountants, since it seems theirs are pretty shoddy, there’s $50 billion right there in out sourcing all those jobs, plus fancy desks, big calculators, and bribes to keep their mouths shut.

That’s leaves $100 billion dollars.  That seems like still a nice chunk of change, but let’s remember who we are dealing with.  These organizations are use to Christmas parties that cost more than that.  So what I am anticipating is that the banks will divvy up the remaining $100 billion, take 40% of that to stay afloat and the remaining 60% to “tear one up” one last time.  I’m talking a little shindig with punch, inflatable guests, and enough pudding to hold a decent pudding wrestling match. 

So there’s the truth.  That’s where all the money is going to go, whether they say so or not, at least there will be a decent pudding wrestling out of the deal.

In what has to be the stupidest attack on anyone, ever, the McCain campaign has gone after Barack Obama for taking his shirt off and bodysurfing WHILE ON VACATION IN HAWAI’I.

To quote the campaign’s attack: “You know you may just be a global celebrity when you get this headline in Reuters, “Obama Takes Shirt Off Again, Goes Body Surfing In Hawaii.”

I could almost understand the attack if Obama had done this while in a Dennys in Des Moines, because that would show signs of a complete break with reality, which, despite past precident(*cough*George Bush*cough*), we cannot abide in a presidential candidate in 2008. Plus, I don’t need to see anyone shirtless while I’m enjoying my Grand Slam.

That is an actual Reuters headline, by the way; “Obama Takes His Shirt Off Again, Goes Bodysurfing in Hawai’i“. I used to have such respect for you, Reuters. I would tell all my friends that you were way better than AP and were totally cool to hang with, but now…sigh.

I’m not even sure what McCain is getting at with this attack. Taking off your shirt at the beach makes you a celebrity? I guess that makes me George Clooney, or at least Topher Grace, cuz I take off my shirt almost every time I go to the beach. Y’know why? Because I’m at the motherf*$#ing beach, that’s why! That’s what normal guys do when the go to the beach, they take off their shirts. Unless they’re obese and ashamed, in which case they keep their shirts on, but go into the water, anyway, treating everyone to the fat-guy-wet-tshirt-contest experience, which is doubly bad as the simple alternative.

Don’t tell John McCain this, but there are even some beaches where women also take off their tops. Scandalous, I know, but it’s true.

Of course, this might all just be a ploy to distract the press and public from this little nugget about McCain and his staff having monetary ties to the prosperity of the Georgian government. One million of them, in fact.

Rather than create in-depth hlogs (hate+blogs) for each of my grievances, I’m taking the lazy route and summing them all up in one megalithic post. Enjoy.

1. Religious Flair*: Look, its fine that you need religion to cope with the fact that there are some things in this universe that can’t be explained, or that you’re worm food when you die, but please keep your wacky superstitions to yourself. I’m sure your imaginary friend Jesus is tickled that you’ve decided to put his name and/or image on the ass-end of your car, announcing to the rest of the world that you went against the grain and ‘decided’ to be a Christian. Jog on, wanker.
   
   *Including religious propaganda of all shapes and sizes (like those stupid little Jesus fish.)




2. The American Government: Cliché, I know, but jesus-tap-dancing-christ is this nation in the shitter. Gas prices, foreign affairs, Iraq, a dipshit President, the economy, Sean Hannity… Where does it all start? The obvious answer is President Dipshit, but I think the real blame rests on the shoulders of all Americans. This country is one big puppet show: politicians are the puppet with the hand of big corporations up their collective ass, and the general public is the audience. As with real-life puppet shows, if there is no audience and someone kills the puppet master, there is no show. Demand lobbying reform, boycott the corporations that push their agendas through campaign contributions, and egg the houses of those elected officials that act in the interest of their wallet rather than the American people. Oh, and enlighten the uninformed rednecks in your neighborhood with a kick to the teeth and a Ralph Nader brochure.




3. Rednecks: Not all country folk piss me off, just a large majority of them. Here’s why:
   
   
   • NASCAR – Seriously? Cars driving in the same circle a few hundred times is entertaining? So I suppose after the race, you and your 10 kids go home to the trailer court, crack open a Bud and watch the paint dry on your mom/cousin’s one remaining toenail… Sounds like the perfect day.
   • Blue Collar Comedy – It’s cool to be ignorant, so let’s get a bunch of ‘comedic’ hicks together and place bets on which one (if any) refers to a book that does not involve boobs or auto mechanics. Bonus points if one refers to the ‘internet.’
   • Big Rigs – (aka ginormous trucks) Overcompensating for something?

   • “Fear This” and those “Calvin peeing on various objects” window decals – Congrats! You figured out the basic mechanics of the sticker and have used that gift to give the rest of us fair warning that you are mildly retarded.

   • Country Music – That’s a funny name for a tree…
   • Mullets – Well, that one’s kind of entertaining.
   • Ignorance – These yokels are huge contributors to items 1 and 2 of this post.




4. Tomatoes: See ‘Tomatoes – the Red Menace’




5. Right-Wing Broadcasters: You know these fascists were the kind of kids that couldn’t get laughs unless they took their pants off, so now they spread hate and fear to feed their frail egos and push their narrow-minded agendas. The only thing worse than these hypocrites are the people that lap it up (see #1 and #3 of this post.) For more information on why these ass-monkeys boil my broccoli, search ‘fox news’ on this site.

That about does it; I’m a bit surprised that there are only 5 things that piss me off. I’m sure there’s more, but maybe it’s time to open the floor: what pisses you off?

Earlier today, President Bush stated in an interview with Politico that, as an act of solidarity with those families who have lost loved ones in the War Insurgency Clusterfuck Fight Against Terrorism. “I don’t want some mom whose son may have recently died to see the commander in chief playing golf,” the President said.

So, in an effort to feel the pain of someone who has lost a loved one in a pointless and aimless war that’s gobbling up money and brave young Americans in nearly equal amounts, our President has given up the game of golf.

Yeah, I think that’s adequate. He obviously understands the pain of losing a loved one. It’s equal to giving up a hobby that you kind of enjoy.

I can’t believe that Ryan, our brave son who gave his life in service of his country, is really dead, I just can’t. Oh well, I guess I’ll focus more on my stamp-collecting, instead…

This man oozes callous indifference like an untreated wound oozes pus.

He cares about you and me about as much as he cares to cut the dingleberries off his dog Barney’s hairy ass.

He wants to understand the common man’s struggle about as much as you want to pay $3.79 for a gallon of gas.

You get the idea.

I suppose it’s for the best that he has no concept of real human misery thick skin. In times like these, we need a leader who doesn’t let little things like a few thousand dead soldiers get him too down. Not like that pussy FDR, who was confined to a wheelchair during WWII. No, this president has the balls to tell the American people that he is willing to give up golf to identify with their suffering. That is, until he leaves office, at which time he’ll rake in a hefty amount of oil profits and retire to Texas, where he can clear brush and golf and mountain bike to his heart’s content without having to worry about everyday Joes and Janes like ourselves.

I’m sure he won’t be the only one to be glad that he is relieved of that burden.