Sod Sex Scandal

With all of the revelations of the sexual escapades of public figures in the past few weeks, from Eliot Spitzer to his replacement David Paterson and all the way down to Jim McGreevey, his wife Dina and their, ahem, chauffeur, I figured it was time that I came clean about my own indiscretions.

Thank you all for coming here today. I also want to thank my wonderful wife for being here at my side today. This has been a trying time for both of us and I appreciate her support.

I want to take some time to clear up some of the rumors swirling about my personal life. It has become a distraction of the type that I feel is not needed, and it has been getting in the way of me doing my job. Granted, I’m a blogger, so my job doesn’t affect the lives of millions of people directly, but the impact of my position is not at question today.

No doubt, as members of the press, you’ve heard some of the rumors swirling around. You have your sources, each with a varying degree of credibility. I’m here to set the record straight, to get everything out in the light so that we can hopefully move on knowing the truth about the matter.

Yes, I have been holding hands with my wife of six years. I’m not proud of this fact, and I thank her for being by my side today during this difficult time. We have held hands. I’m not a perfect man and I have my failings. I hope that you will not judge me too harshly for them.

We have also, on occasion, kissed and engaged in what some call “heavy petting.” I hesitate to admit that there may have even been some “under the shirt” contact on both parties, but that it was definately “over the underwear.” There was no explicit skin-on-skin contact. I would also like to point out that, at no time during the past six years has either of us seen the other naked, accidentally or otherwise.

As to the rumors that we have engaged in consensual sexual intercourse, I flatly deny them and am horrified that such allegations were ever leveled at such an upstanding public figure as myself. They are in no way true and I’m not even sure how such an awful rumor was even started. We sleep in separate beds, fully clothed in pajamas, like everyone else. There is no room for such extreme perversion in our marriage.

I want to add that I will not be stepping down from my position and that calls for me to do otherwise are overboard. I feel I have done nothing wrong and I ask you to examine your own affairs before you decide to start tearing me down for my simple indescretions.

I will be taking some time to repair any damage that I may have done to my lovely wife, who I again thank for being by my side today, but will return very soon. Probably tomorrow, or the day after.

I will also not be taking questions at this time. Any and all questions can be directed to the forum post regarding this matter. Thank you all for your time and patience in this matter.

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