No Diploma For You!

Kids these days…

Do you remember your high school graduation? I do.

Three of my classmates showed up either nude under their robes or with just boxers and socks on. Another swiped his older brother’s honors ribbons and wore them on his robe, even though he was a C student at best. We sat on stage and made jokes and dicked around and every single one of us (aside from the one student who hadn’t finished all of his English credits) walked up to the podium and received our diplomas. In fact, even the guy that didn’t have enough credits to graduate at the time got to walk because he had already scheduled the equivalency exam to get his credits.

Getting handed our diplomas, a good number of us made some gesture to our friends or family in the crowd. If I remember right, someone hugged the superintendent, eschewing the traditional handshake. Nowadays, this seems very quaint, like I graduated in the 1950s (it was 1998), especially when compared to this:

While in his seat or waiting in line for his diploma, Justin Denney never touched a beach ball. After his name was called, he took a bow, blew a kiss to his family and pointed to friends, but he didn’t get his diploma, leaving a whole family in disbelief.


Blew a kiss and took a bow. Insubordination. Immediately nullifies the last four years of actual scholastic achievement. How dare he!

Where does this kid go to school, Maine or 17th century Maine? I mean, the gall that it takes to be jubilant at your own graduation and to want to recognize the parents and friends who helped you graduate. The gall!!! He might as well have whipped his dick out and slapped the superintendent with it, then gone ahead and screwed that rolled up diploma.

Look, I understand that basic premise of the administration in wanting to keep order at a graduation ceremony. You don’t want pandemonium. Hundreds of hormone-pumping teenagers, all amped up to enter this exciting job market or, better yet, shell out decades worth of debt to attend the college of their choice. It’s an exciting time in a kid’s life. Anything can happen, even though most of it probably won’t.

What the article doesn’t mention is that the administrator had a seizure when, after the ceremony, she saw the entire class assemble on the front lawn of the school and hurl their caps skyward in unison, a clear act of mass insubordination. When she recovered, she stripped all of them of their diplomas and assigned them five hours of detention, each.

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