I have no good reason to hate Kevin Federline. I’ve never met the guy. He’s done me no harm in any manner whatsoever. If anything, he’s done me a favor by taking Britney Spears off the market, because now I’ve been able to live the last year or two of my life without the paralyzing fear that at some point Britney Spears was going to fall desperately in love with me (I know, perish the thought). So, added all together, I really don’t have a good excuse to dislike Keven Federline.

So why is it every time I see his greasy face on TV, I just want to punch him in his dumb mouth?

There’s just something about the guy that rubs a person the wrong way. Maybe it’s the fact that he dumped the mother of his children while she was still pregnant with his second child to go be Britney’s lover boy. Maybe it’s because his clothes always look like he slept in them. Maybe it’s the undeserved sense of self worth he struts around with. Maybe it’s the cornrows. I really don’t know.

I think that what it really is, though, is having to read interviews like this:

Federline Says He’s Ready for Backlash

NEW YORK (AP) — Kevin Federline is ready for a backlash over his brand-new role as white-boy rapper.

But it already can’t get worse, the dancer and husband of pop star Britney Spears told Newsweek for its issue on newsstands Monday.

“‘He hates his children, he treats his wife like dirt, he gets high all day,’” he said, quoting his critics. “If I was that bad, you think anyone, let alone Britney, would put up with it?”

He has released his single “PopoZao” on his Web site. It got 2 million hits in eight days, he said, which proves there’s interest.

I’m gonna go ahead and interrupt here. Yeah, there’s been interest. And I believe that interest was primarily along the lines of, “Dude, I heard on Conan how much this song really sucked, so I wanna find out just how much it sucks.” Which is followed immediately by, “Wow, despite having previously heard estimates of the amount of suckage in that song, the actual level of suck was so vastly overwhelming that I am no longer able to continue with my life, just having been exposed to it. Where’s the nearest pile of broken gl@ss shards that I can throw myself into?” So, hey, if that’s what you were going for, congratulations, champ. You’re a human punchline.

And now back to your regularly scheduled narcissism.

He plans to release his debut album by this spring, but without featuring his wife on the album, said Federline, 27.”"We have collaborated,”" he said. “”But I’m not going to put the songs on this album because it’s like, ‘Respect me first; then I’ll show you what I’ve done with my wife.’”"

Ok, if it’s respect you’re waiting for, then those songs you did with your wife aren’t ever going to see the light of day, because people generally don’t show a lot of respect for artists who marry their way into the spotlight. But that’s fine by me. I already know your wife can’t sing. I can only imagine that the two of you collaborating would open up a black hole of suckage so large that it would suck all of reality down into it. Which I really would hate to see happen.
My major beef with Kevin Federline (or K-Fed, as the rags like to call him) is that, like fellow waste of oxygen Paris Hilton, it seems that it is no longer requisite that you earn your fame in any way these days. These people are celebrities simply because they are celebrities. That kind of circular logic makes my head hurt. How is it possible that you can now secure yourself a record deal simply because your wife is famous, or your family is rich, or just because you’ve got a pretty face? Shouldn’t you have to, I don’t know, be able to make good music to make a record? But that’s just crazy talk, right? Who wants to listen to good music? Get one of those girls on The OC to record something. Being physically attractive is almost the same thing as being talented.

I’m back from my rant now. Thanks for riding that one out.

Perhaps I’m being too hard on the little guy. I’m sure he’s an excellent dancer. And he seems to keep his goatee trimmed neatly. So there’s two positive things right there. But as an overall person, I say that he needs to go, before he can burden the world with yet another of his Feder-fetuses. Which is why I’m gathering some funds for my K-Fed Rocket, which, upon completion, will be crammed chock full of Federline and shot directly into the sun. If you could spare a nickel, I’d appreciate it. And God knows it’s a worthy cause.

-Erik Hagen
/Just being a hater. Whatever that means.
TheExpatriateAct@gmail.com

Addendum – Stupid me. How could I possibly make my case for Federline’s inherent toolness without providing Exhibit A? Click on this link, watch him bob his head up and down like a monkey with Tourette’s syndrome while listening to his own atrocious song, and see if you don’t end up on my doorstep tonight with torch and pitchfork in hand, ready to help me achieve my vision of a Feder-free world. Mwa ha ha.”