If you, like me, need to watch the campiest, goriest, straight-to-DVD-iest horror bloodbaths come Halloween night, but don’t feel like sampling the weekly offering of uninspired torture-flicks and dull remakes as a result, then you have found a semi-suitable solution! That’s right, I have for you a scrumptious banquet of gems to share, but be warned, only the strongest of stomachs can endure the macabre that is… THE TOP MOVIES TO WATCH ON HALLOWEEN

First Blood:

The first stop on our wretched tour of blood-stained cinema is Dave Parker’s newest malevolent shocker… The Hills Run Red.

I’m keeping most of these selections recent, since running off titles like Nightmare on Elm Street wouldn’t go beyond saying to dip into your DVD collection and enjoy. You’ve already seen Halloween, why not give you something not completely obvious? How about The Hills Run Red? It’s a great introduction to a night of movie watching, given that it’s about horror movies. A trio of movie addicts team up with an actress who once starred in an obscure 80s slasher flick – The Hills Run Red. (The notorious film-within-a-film was pulled from theaters and destroyed due to its grim and realistic depiction of violence.) After hearing about the director’s personal copy of the movie from his daughter (the actress), they seek out his house deep in the woods to retrieve it. Bad idea.

THRR is made strictly for horror-fans, specifically the kind with a strong stomach and a particular tolerance for paper-thin plots. I can’t imagine anybody who isn’t a horror fan to enjoy it, and even the most hardcore of the bunch may view THRR to be an unremarkable DTV slasher. I found it to be a gritty, creepy, mean little film with a memorable bunch of villains and one of the craziest endings I’ve seen in recent horror. It also scores points for being self-aware, but not in an annoying “I’m going to shove my horror fanboyism in your face for 80 minutes” way. All in all, it’s brutal, unflinching, and after you’re done screaming you’ll be talking about it.

Our next scream-igniting splatter-fest of the night is Adam Green’s Hatchet.

Hatchet is another slasher, once again taking place in the woods. Unlike The Hills Run Red, Hatchet is played entirely for laughs, but does a surprisingly good job getting scares out of such an absurd premise. The villain is a joke; he was deformed at birth and killed by his peers as a result of a mean prank, but lives on as a ghost haunting the area and dispatching any poor soul that dare tests his wrath. In this case, a helpless group of quirky characters get shipwrecked by a phony tour guide, thus becoming targets for the lumbering redneck (played by Kane Hodder!).

Many horror filmmakers make the mistake of writing dramatic characters amidst a goofy situation, but writer/director Adam Green does everything to fix this. His characters are funny and loveable, which sets his film apart from tons of others in the genre. Plus, you’re still able to laugh as they get killed in the most ridiculous ways I’ve seen in a movie, ever. Overall, Hatchet is laid back, late-night move goodness, with a great sense of humor and atmosphere.

Deeper Cuts

Our next addition to our terrible list of human misery is Joe Lynch’s abominable Wrong Turn 2.

Yes, we’re still in comedic territory with Wrong Turn 2, and we’re also still in the woods. I promise, no more woods after this one.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Wow, this guy hates a Coen bros. movie, but it’s a good thing he likes a straight-to-DVD followup to a movie nobody cared about in the first place!” Well, WT2 is awesome. To get an idea of how insane this movie is, Eli Roth used 150 gallons of fake blood to make Hostel. Joe Lynch used 300 gallons of fake blood to make WT2. It’s the most frenetic movie I’ve seen in a long time, a film that truly never lets up. Don’t get the wrong idea, it’s still glorious Halloween-ish fun, with not one second of gore that makes you feel uncomfortable or sick to your stomach. Much like Kill Bill or Sin City, WT2 hits every right note with its violence.

The characters are also comedic, and they’re developed enough to make you care what happens to them. In fact, it’s pretty unpredictable in terms of who survives and who doesn’t. The one I would put money on got the axe barely a half-hour in (literally). It’s these constant twists and turns that make WT2 completely worthy of a look, soon to be two or three once you give it a chance.

Up next, the strange, remarkable, horrifying world of REC.

This is the first truly terrifying movie on the list. REC, unlike that dreadful remake Quarantine, not only provides a great claustrophobic atmosphere, it also fixes the many problems the mockumentary sub-genre suffers from. The worst issue with these movies is that there’s no reason for the characters to call “cut” and shut off the camera for a few seconds. REC, on the other hand, comes up with logical reasons to shut off the camera, as well as hiding the cuts during the action sequences by entering a patch of darkness for a brief moment or bumping the camera against a wall during the panic.

This is the kind of movie that’s better when you know nothing about it going in. It’s completely chaotic, there’s always something happening to make the situation worse. To me, it’s one of the best recent zombie movies that didn’t make it to theaters in America. I can’t even imagine how scary it would be in a theater.

Next up: the brutal, horrible, hulking, indescribable monstrosity that is Splinter.

Here’s another one you’ve probably never heard of. It seems very derivative and unremarkable at first, but give it time to sink in and you’ve got a fun monster movie with plenty of tricks under its sleeve. Most of the film takes place in a remote gas station, going from prison to tomb within minutes as an escaped convict takes a young couple hostage, only to encounter a common enemy that forces them to band together to survive.

It’s pretty wild, and the creature is awesome. My main problem with the movie is that it overdoes the “shaky camera” gag whenever the monster barges in after our protagonists. It’s almost sickening, but it kind of works in the sense that it’s such a horrible abomination that it can’t even be described through film. The characters are good and likable, even the convict, once you get to hear his honest back story. In short, if you like monster movies, you’ll like this one.

Exit Wounds

Well, you’ve gone through five of these, and it’s time to end the night. But we’re not talking idiotic slasher material here. This needs to end on a high note, and I mean a really high note. You need something that defines Halloween like no other movie on this list. You gotta watch Trick ‘r Treat.

Trick ‘r Treat is absolutely amazing in every way. It’s an anthology, and one packed with the best of what represents Halloween in the strangest, ghoulish, most bizarre way possible. This film is 80 minutes, and it has enough material to fill 2-hours. After being delayed 2 years by anxious studio execs, Trick ‘r Treat shows that it is the wildest, most original horror movie in a long time, and probably the best movie of the year. And it never hit theaters. How shameful.

Unlike most of these movies, Trick ‘r Treat can be enjoyed by pretty much anyone. It’s funny, it’s dark, and it’s scary. The last twenty minutes stand out the most for me; I won’t spoil any of it, but I will say that I never thought I’d ever be laughing and scared at the same time. It’s this kind of dark humor that makes Trick ‘r Treat as awesome as it is.

I know this article is cutting it very close, being a day before Halloween, but who cares? Watch these movies anytime, they’re great no matter what day it is. You don’t even have to watch all of them, just pick any combination of the movies above and you’ll have a worthy horror-thon. Or go see Paranormal Activity. Just make sure you’re willing to sacrifice a week of sleep after you leave the theater.