In The Usual Suspects, Verbal Kint says that, “”The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.”" Well, that’s not exactly true. Because in actuality, the greatest trick that the devil ever performed was convincing people that the best reason to watch the Super Bowl is for the commercials. Think about that for a second. Is there any program on earth that you watch where you actually look forward to the commercial breaks? Well, besides Joey.

But since advertising puts food onto my table, that was the reason I tuned into the big game this week. And, because I know you care ever so deeply, I’m going to tell you what I thought about them. With awards, to boot, which I even had little trophies made up for. I couldn’t afford to have them professionally made, so I just did it myself with little macaroni statues. Which is why I’m calling these The MACCYS. Patent pending. All rights reserved.

In case you want to actually view the ads for yourself and know what the hell it is I’m talking about, you can visit my friend Clay’s site AdLand at the site that is hyperlinked to the text that I’m typing right now. Or you can view them at Google, if you’re not interested in supporting the efforts of people that I know. Fine, see if I care. Anyway, let’s start handing these suckers out.

Most ads of varying degrees of quality. For the 40th year in a row, this goes to Budweiser. From the highs of the magic fridge and the motivational office riot, to the horrifying lows of the baby clydesdale and the pint of Budweiser-inspired wave, no one else quite managed to bridge the valleys of “”ha”" and “”meh”" like our good friends at Bud. A big thumbs up and a middle finger to you, sirs.

Best continuation from last year’s ads. Ameriquest’s “”Don’t Judge Too Quickly”" spots from last year were funny. And, oddly enough, they were funny again this year. Sure, there were no implied kitty murders. But there was a gagged man on an airplane with a half-undressed woman on his lap. And that’s worth something in my book, damnit.

Worst continuation from last year’s ads. Last year, Go Daddy parodied the “”wardrobe malfunction”" of the previous year with their Go Daddy girl spot. This year, Go Daddy parodied the “”wardrobe malfunction”" of two years ago with their Go Daddy girl spot. Here’s a suggestion for next year’s ad. Something else.

Most deserving of losing their jobs in marketing. I don’t know about you, but when I hear the term “”brown and bubbly,”" Diet Pepsi isn’t exactly the first thought I have. But ironically enough, when I think of the term “”flaccid, stinky poo,”" the first thought I do have is P. Diddy.

Lamest excuse for extending Jessica Simpson’s 15 minutes of fame. I don’t get Pizza Hut. Last I checked, pizza was already the greatest food known to man. So why does Pizza Hut persist in trying to reinvent the pizza? Remember the P’zone? The Priazzo? The Big Foot? The Four-For-All? Now add Cheesy Bites pizza to that list, and use Jessica Simpson’s boobs boots to sell them. Come on, guys. Just give me a regular damn pizza, would ya? Thanks in advance.

Best excuse for putting a pirate on my TV screen. Sharpie, you made me day. gARRR!! Next year, I want ninjas.

Best confirmation of something I’d suspected for a long time. Mate a fat, retarded lookin’ lizard monster with a gigantic tin-plated monstrosity and you get a Hummer. I knew it!

Best imitatable activities. Sprint’s two ads inspired me to do two new annoying things in my day-to-day activities. One, I downloaded the Benny Hill theme to my cell phone so I could set the couch on fire at work and fast-walk around the building chasing an old guy in his bloomers. Second, I now throw my phone at people when they displease me. I don’t have a lot of friends any more.

Best damn ad, period. Fed Ex takes the MACCY for the second year in a row, this time for the sad tale of a caveman fired for not using a service that didn’t even exist at the time. Who knew that kicking dinosaurs was funny? Who even considered the idea of kicking a dinosaur before? Thank you, Fed Ex. You, with the able @ssistance of beer and nachos, somehow manage to make watching football entertaining.

-Erik Hagen
/Four. Kinda.
TheExpatriateAct@gmail.com