It’s Hard Time Out Here for a Fake Pimp

I’m not usually the kind of guy who takes pleasure in the misfortunes of others, but just this once, I’ll make an exception.

If you’re a regular FOX News viewer, you already know the story of national hero James O’Keefe, who a few months ago heroicly dressed up in a Huggy Bear Halloween costume and tricked a couple of part-time ACORN workers to play along with what they probably thought was a mentally retarded child. He then filmed their encounters and used it to basically get ACORN shut down, because this is a profoundly stupid country we live in and that is the kind of thing that happens here. So the kid was whisked on to television and heralded as the next greatest folk hero after Daniel Boone and Santa Claus, and he, of course, got drunk on the fame and promised that if you liked these antics of his, just wait until he see what he does next.

Fast forward to this week.

For his next trick, Lil’ Jimmy O’Keefe, Ace Kid Reporter decided he was gonna do something grand. So he got himself together a few of his buddies and they dressed up as telephone repairmen, complete with fluorescent green vests, tool belts and hard hats, because everyone who’s never seen a telephone repairman before knows that is exactly how telephone repairmen dress. Anyway, all decked out in their funny costumes, they went to the offices of Senator Mary Landrieu of New Orleans and attempted to gain access to the telephone closet, all the while filming their exploits with a cell phone camera and, best of all, having one of their buddies outside the office in a flower shop van with a walkie talkie and a periscope sticking out of the top to be their lookout.

Needless to say, jailarity ensued.

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Kids on the beat! Kids on the street! Beat Kids! Beat Kids!

And here’s the Scooby Gang right now, fresh off another successful caper. Far be it for me to make guesses, but I’m working off the assumption that Flanagan’s code name was probably Fatass.

Anyway, in case the schadenfreude hadn’t quite reached a sufficient level of enjoyment for you, Lil’ Jimmy was released from police custody and ordered into the custody of his parents, which is both hilarious and also just a little bit annoying. Because this isn’t some 17-year-old who got caught spray painting buildings with his buddies. He’s a 25-year-old adult (supposedly) who tried to break into a federal building. But since mommy and daddy are rich, he gets sent to his room to play Xbox and think about what he did, whereas if I, 30-year-old Erik Hagen, dressed up as a Super Mario Brother and tried to gain access to Senator Byron Dorgan’s office, I’d already be being traded for smokes in Cell Block D by a big fat neo-nazi named Skeeter. There is no justice.

But don’t have too much of a chuckle at these ridiculously stupid people. See, it turns out that the whole thing’s a big old misunderstanding, and this is a verified fact because it comes straight from the mouth of everybody’s favorite cartoon pimp James O’Keefe, writing to you from the dank, dark prison cell that is the basement of his parents’ house. This whole thing was a concoction of the liberal MSM Media, he tells ya! SOCIALISM!

The government has now confirmed what has always been clear: No one tried to wiretap or bug Senator Landrieu’s office. Nor did we try to cut or shut down her phone lines. Reports to this effect over the past 48 hours are inaccurate and false.

What we was actually doing was we were gonna just write our names on the wall with colored chalk. You know, harmless pranks and what nots. Golly gee willikers, we’re not gonna get grounded now, are we?

As an investigative journalist, my goal is to expose corruption and lack of concern for citizens by government and other institutions, as I did last year when our investigations revealed the massive corruption and fraud perpetrated by ACORN. For decades, investigative journalists have used a variety of tactics to try to dig out and reveal the truth.

Yes, I do recall that one time Walter Cronkite broke Watergate wide open in that giant chicken costume. Or when Tom Brokaw brought down the Berlin Wall single-handedly dressed as Clifford the Big Red Dog. Surely, this young man is only following in the footsteps of the legends who came before him.

I learned from a number of sources that many of Senator Landrieu’s constituents were having trouble getting through to her office to tell her that they didn’t want her taking millions of federal dollars in exchange for her vote on the healthcare bill. When asked about this, Senator Landrieu’s explanation was that, “Our lines have been jammed for weeks.” I decided to investigate why a representative of the people would be out of touch with her constituents for “weeks” because her phones were broken. In investigating this matter, we decided to visit Senator Landrieu’s district office – the people’s office – to ask the staff if their phones were working.

We also had plans to see if their refrigerator was running and/or if they had Olive Oyl in a can, but we were unable to attain this information before the federal agents arrested us.

On reflection, I could have used a different approach to this investigation, particularly given the sensitivities that people understandably have about security in a federal building.

On reflection, the FBI agents also could have tazed Jimmy in his gonads a sufficient amount of times to assure that he would never be able to, by some miracle, reproduce. Alas, what might have been.

The sole intent of our investigation was to determine whether or not Senator Landrieu was purposely trying to avoid constituents who were calling to register their views to her as their Senator.

And this could obviously only be accomplished by us dressing up as the Village People and attempting to access their phone grid. Are you buying this? Please tell me you’re buying this.

We video taped the entire visit, the government has those tapes, and I’m eager for them to be released because they refute the false claims being repeated by much of the mainstream media.

On this we can agree. I also am looking forward to the release of these hilarious video tapes.

It has been amazing to witness the journalistic malpractice committed by many of the organizations covering this story. MSNBC falsely claimed that I violated a non-existent “gag order.” The Associated Press incorrectly reported that I “broke in” to an office which is open to the public. The Washington Post has now had to print corrections in two stories on me. And these are just a few examples of inaccurate and false reporting. The public will judge whether reporters who can’t get their facts straight have the credibility to question my integrity as a journalist.

Hee hee. Integrity as a journalist. That’s like trying to question his integrity as a tooth fairy. You dress in costumes and videotape yourself pulling pranks on unsuspecting suckers. You’re as much a journalist as Ashton Kutcher and the guy from Jackass is. And neither of those two are journalists.

So there you have it. It turns out that there is such a thing as karma. My Name Is Earl, I’m sorry that I ever laughed at you. No, really.

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