I Want to Believe.

Hey, had you heard the good news? They found Bigfoot! Now, I realize you might be a bit skeptical, what with Bigfoot being the crazed delusion of a bunch of inbred mountain people, but seriously, for real this time. See, here’s your photographic proof:

This Bigfoot has ceased to be. It is an ex-Bigfoot.

Ewww. I think Bigfoot’s going bad. Better put some baking soda in there or something.

Anyway, as you can imagine, there was a bit of skepticism that the gorilla mask super glued to a bear corpse really was an authentic Bigfoot that someone murdered and shoved into their freezer. Seems you need to have proof or something. So, fortunately for all of us, these two charming gentlemen pictured below were more than happy to provide all the evidence a skeptical world could ever want as to the existence (and current non-existence) of the legendary Sasquatch.

Got ‘r’ dun.

Little Evidence of Bigfoot

Bob Keefe, Palo Alto, California
August 17, 2008

BIGFOOT lived in northern Georgia and his cousins are still there. At least that’s what a pair of hunters and a Californian Bigfoot expert cum promoter continue to claim.

Bigfoot lives in Georgia? With his cousins? I, for one, am shocked to discover that Bigfoot is a hillbilly. Probably likes NASCAR too.

But if they have definitive evidence to prove it, it wasn’t presented at a press conference on Friday where they had said they would make believers out of everyone.

So since when do you need to have “definitive evidence” to make a believer out of someone? Seriously.

A second round of DNA testing on what the men claim is a dead 2.13-metre, 250-kilogram Bigfoot they say they stumbled on while hiking in Georgia in June is still being completed.

BREAKING NEWS: Results are in, and it’s official. It’s Bigfoot, and Bigfoot is totally made out of rubber.

Of three samples in a preliminary DNA test, one came back inconclusive, one contained traces of human DNA and one had traces of opossum DNA, probably from something the creature ate, they claimed.

You know what this means, right? Finally, definitive proof that Bigfoot is, in fact, some kind of a possum man. They all laughed at my thesis at my eighth grade science fair, but who’s laughing now, Mr. Schaefer? Huh?! HUH?!

They didn’t produce a Bigfoot corpse; that is in a hidden location, they said, after being moved from a freezer that broke down a couple of times. They will not say exactly where they found the creature and claim they saw a band of other Bigfoots watching them. Neither will they allow anyone other than their own hand-picked scientists to examine the body of the dead animal.

You know what they say. You can hand-pick your scientists. You can hand-pick you nose. But you really shouldn’t hand-pick your scientist’s nose.

“We’re now the best Bigfoot hunters in the world,” said Matthew Whitton, 31. Whitton and his hiking partner, Rick Dyer, 28, wore the hats to prove it, advertising their website.

I know where these guys are coming from. Check out my hat.

Definitive proof that this is the best website in the world. Suck it, Hamster Dance.

Mr Whitton is a police officer who is on disability leave; Mr Dyer is a car salesman and tow-truck operator.

And if there’s any two professions that require both honesty and integrity, it’s being a car salesman and a tow-truck operator. Yessir.

The pair produced two more still pictures. One blurry image, they claim, clearly shows one of several other Bigfoot family members that they said were walking beside them in their top-secret, undisclosed location where they allege they found the dead man-ape.

Top-secret, undisclosed location, you say? So Bigfoot is with Dick Cheney?

Another overlit, blurry photo shows what they claim is the mouth and teeth of the dead Sasquatch.

Preparations are under way for an autopsy on the animal, they said. Scientists are about to get involved, but one is on holiday until tomorrow and two others from Russia have yet to arrive in the US, they said.

But they’ll totally be here next week, once they’re not in Russia or on holiday any more. And then you’ll all be sorry. Just you wait and see.

A reporter from the Fox television network will be the first journalist to see the dead animal, maybe as early as this week, they said.

Wait a minute, you’re trying to tell me that Fox has journalists? I’m afraid I’m going to need some definitive evidence to support that hysterical claim.

Tom Biscardi, a Bigfoot enthusiast known for questionable Bigfoot promotions in the past, swears all of this is not a hoax.

“This is as real as you’re standing right where you are,” he said.

Yeah, but I’m not standing. I’m sitting. So what now, huh, smart guy?

Others say the story is nonsense. “This is becoming like an alien autopsy,” said Jeffery Meldrum, a noted Bigfoot researcher and a professor of anthropology at Idaho State University. “Shenanigans.”

Wait, so the alien autopsies were bogus too? Wow. This has been a very disillusioning day.

Mr Whitton, who was wearing a plaster cast after being shot in the wrist last month while pursuing a robbery suspect, and Mr Dyer, who says he is a former prison officer, haven’t done much to satisfy sceptics.

The men have previously posted videos of the purported Bigfoot on YouTube in which Mr Whitton’s brother pretended to be a scientist, but by the end of the video he announces it was all done in fun.

I don’t know. It looks pretty convincing to me.

The voicemail on Mr Whitton’s telephone previously claimed they were leading expeditions to find not just Bigfoot but also the Loch Ness Monster and leprechauns.

I love this country so much some times.

On Friday Mr Whitton said these were all spoofs done just for fun and to throw off some of the “psychos” who had been bugging them since they appeared on an internet radio show touting their find.

Yeah, damn psychos with their whole “not faking finding a Bigfoot corpse in a desperate bid for attention.” Who the hell do they think they are?

The pair teamed up with Mr Biscardi after literally stumbling on their find almost two months ago, they said.

“When you punch in Bigfoot [on the internet], the first name that comes up is Tom Biscardi,” Mr Dyer said when asked how they came across their new partner.

Smart thinking. I, myself, discovered a singing and dancing Mexican jumping bean in my garbanzo salad the other day, and I also would like to discover the world’s foremost expert on inanimate objects learning how to become song and dance entertainers in defiance of all known rules of physics. Perhaps I will use this Internet of which they speak.

[Does a Google.]

Prepare for a call, Mr. Juan Gigantico.

Mr Dyer said he and Mr Whitton had dragged the dead Sasquatch out of woods in northern Georgia almost two months ago. They hauled it back home in Mr Dyer’s tow truck, they claimed, then filled up a freezer with water to try and freeze the creature in ice.

The freezer broke down a couple of times after that, Mr Dyer said.

Funny how when you do this with a Bigfoot corpse, it’s the scientific discovery of the century, but you try the same thing with just one random hobo and all of a sudden you’re wanted for questioning in five states. Go figure.

Mr Biscardi runs an internet radio show and website devoted to Bigfoot under the umbrella of a company called Searching for Bigfoot.

Which is how you can tell he’s an expert, because he has an Internet radio show. It’s not like they just give those things out to random nutjobs. Er, wait…

In 2005, Mr Biscardi claimed he had met a woman in Nevada who had captured two living Bigfoot creatures. He charged about $US15 for visitors to his website to see blurry video claiming to show the captured creatures.

On Friday Mr Biscardi said he subsequently determined that the woman was mentally ill and he discontinued that business sideline.

So now he’s moving on from mentally ill people to merely mentally stupid ones. Moving up in the world.

Friends, if this whole unseemly business has taught us one thing, I hope that it’s this: Never, ever trust anyone on anything, because you just never know if the thing you’ve put your faith into might just be a couple of rednecks with a gorilla costume in their bathtub. Live and learn, people. Live and learn.

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