And now, I present to you some down-home, good ol’ fashioned Blue Collar humor. Because I hate you.

• If the back of your neck is often burned red from walking behind your plow with your head lowered all day long, you might be a redneck.

• If you harbor deep-found resentments towards people of different nationalities because of an instinctive distrust you have towards things that are foreign from your own regular surroundings, you might be a redneck.

• If you are a stereotypical Caucasian (i.e. white) person and are of a lower socio-economic status who lives in the United States or Canada, you might be a redneck.

• If you frequently smell of cow feces, you might be a redneck.

• And finally, if you call the police department to alert them that a comedian often smokes a cigar during his act and cause said comedian to be charged with smoking in a public building, you might be from Bismarck, North Dakota.

That’s right. Always mindful of finding new and innovative means for everyone else in the nation to make fun of us for, we, the citizens of North Dakota, actually felt the need to have comedian Ron White charged with a $500 infraction for smoking a cigar during his act at the Belle Mahus, despite the fact that everyone, everywhere already knew beforehand that Ron White smokes a cigar during every performance he’s ever given in his life. Because that’s just how we roll, bitches.

Comedian may be charged for smoking at Bismarck show

A popular comedian could face charges in Bismarck for a regular part of his routine.

Please, please be Carlos Mencia.

Ron White, the Scotch-swilling, cigar-smoking Blue Collar Comedy Tour comedian, performed at the Belle Mehus Auditorium on April 30. But prior to that, a Bismarck citizen tipped off police that part of White’s routine might run afoul of a Bismarck city ordinance prohibiting smoking in public places.

Gary Semmel, 55, wrote a letter dated April 17 to the Bismarck Police Department, letting them know White smokes a cigar during his act, which seems to be at odds with the city ordinance prohibiting smoking in public places, Sgt. Dwight Offerman said.

Whatever would we do if not for upstanding citizens like Gary Semmel, 55, who have nothing better to do with their time besides writing to the police department to let them know that they’d seen this comedian smoking on the TV, and they should totally arrest that guy for doing it in Bismarck. I’ll tell you where we’d be. In some other state.

Semmel did not have a listed phone number.

Because phones are how the devil gets you.

Management for White declined to comment, publicist Kathe Nelson said.

My guess is because he’s already writing up a 20-minute comedy bit on it. So, of course, we get to find out if there is, in fact, such a thing as bad publicity when Ron White makes “Bismarck, North Dakota” into the next “Tater Salad” bit from his routine that he tells over and over and over for the next fifteen years every single goddamn time he’s on national television. Hooray! We caught the Tater!

Because of the letter, police placed a plainclothes officer at the first of White’s two performances to document his smoking, Offerman said. The officer reported back that White lit up a cigar to start the show, took one puff, then let the cigar burn out. He lit up again and took another puff later in the show, again let it run out, then didn’t light it up again until the end of the show, Offerman said.

That’s some fine detective work there, Lou. I just think it’s fantastic that given the choice between putting an undercover office in the audience to meticulously document how many times Ron White smoked a cigar during his routine versus telling Ron White before his act, “Hey, you can’t smoke that in here,” our boys in blue opted for the more easily mockable of the two options. Huzzah and kudos, gentlemen.

Smoking in public places is an infraction, punishable by fines of up to $500. Offerman said the report will be sent to the city attorney.

White, whose nickname “Tater Salad” was listed as his alias on the police report, is best know for his performances on the Blue Collar Comedy Tour with Jeff Foxworthy, Bill Engvall and Larry the Cable Guy. The Texas Legislature declared April 27 “Ron White Day” to honor the Texas native.

The fact that he used “Tater Salad” as his alias on the report clearly documents that in this particular incident, I am rooting for everyone involved to somehow die in a self-contained nuclear apocalypse. Begging for it, in fact.

White is no stranger to run-ins with the law, having been arrested in Vero Beach, Fla., for marijuana and paraphernalia possession in September. He pleaded guilty as part of a plea deal and was sentenced to probation.

Which is probably why he felt safe smoking regular tobacco on stage, assuming that no one could possibly be dumb enough to dumb enough to criminally charge someone for smoking a regular old cigar three times. Showed you, funny man!

The one lesson I think we can all get from this is that Larry the Cable Guy is performing at the Bismarck Civic Center this Saturday, and if he isn’t bum rushed by a Keystone Cop-level amount of police officers, tazed in the face, pepper sprayed and beaten to death with nightsticks, then justice is truly dead in this country.