When you see practically every movie that comes out in theaters like I do (for the complete list see my previous blog), you end up seeing a lot of crap.  Some people ask me why I subject myself to pieces of crap like Knowing, Paul Blart: Mall Cop, Land of the Lost, 12 Rounds, Bride Wars or The Pink Panther 2 (none of which even make my list!).  I answer them simply, “Seeing bad movies helps me appreciate the good ones all the more.”

Plus, if I didn’t see everything, what would I have to snark on?

So, I present for your disapproval, the 10 12 Worst Films of 2009:

These posters should have been warning enough…

10. (tie) The Bracelet of Bordeaux, Gooby & When I Find the Ocean

These three films were all distributed by Monterey Media, each with a one week run.  In a foolish attempt to see more than 200 films in 2009, I was seeing everything I could which led me to these three wastes of celluloid.  They probably deserve to be higher up (further down?) the list, but because of their minimal distribution, I thought I’d keep them lumped together here at #10, reserving nos. 9-1 for stuff you’ve probably actually heard of.  Bracelet is a story that mixes the mafia, dognapping, magical jewelry and the Nazis into one cluster*$@# of a kids’ film; Gooby features Robbie Coltrane & Eugene Levy (cashing their paychecks no doubt) in a film about a young boy whose only friend is a teddy bear who comes to life only to sound like a mildly retarded Shrek; and Ocean follows a young girl as she takes her dog and her pet rabbit on a trip through the 1960s South (ooh! Civil Rights!) to deal with the death of her father (or something).  Bracelet was the only film I saw in 2009 to get(all other films on this list got a ) but Gooby was most offensive because it was so polished.  How films like this get financing for good cameras and editing while others sit in limbo waiting to be made amazes me.

Skoog and Irena A Hoffman in Transylmania

9. Transylmania

Ever wonder what would happen if Twilight was Nationally Lampooned?  Well, here’s your answer, and it ain’t pretty.  A bunch of college kids decide to spend a semester abroad in a Transylvanian castle, because given the choice of Paris, London, Prague or Romania, who wouldn’t choose Romania?!  The group of co-eds have every stereotype you’d expect: stoners, nymphos, twin sisters (one naughty, the other nice), jocks and dweebs.  Oren Skoog’s Rusty had been chatting it up with a seemingly hott Romanian student, but surprise! she’s actually a hunchback (“Always ask for a full body shot!,” he laments).  The castle they are studying at was once home to the evil vampire Count Radu (also played by Skoog) who is determined to reawaken his bride with a magical music box.  The school’s dean is a pint-sized man who claims he doesn’t believe in vampires, yet has hired a Van Helsing-like descendant to teach the kids about fencing and stake-wielding.  One of the jocks figures he can score by claiming to be a vampire hunter, and gets deputized by this Van Helsing-like teacher to hunt down the returning fiends.  The dean is also father to the hunchback and tries to steal a pretty co-ed’s body to transplant his daughter’s head onto.  With real twins playing the sisters, one actor playing two roles and that pesky music box possessing another girl whenever it is open, there are enough mistaken identities to make me wonder if the screenwriters were trying to channel Shakespeare.  However, I doubt the 21st Century National Lampoon’s writers even know how to spell Shakespeare.

Keaton, Burnett, Coleman, Lynch, Bledel and Zach Gilford in Post Grad

8. Post Grad

Post Grad could have been an interesting look at what faces college students in today’s economy.  No longer does a degree and excellent interview skills guarantee anyone a job.  Actually, I think it was Alexis Bledel’s Rory on Gilmore Girls who had the interview skills; I think her Ryden here, while intelligent had no common sense actually interviewing without knowing where she was.  Ryden’s family, the Malbys, is Quirk with a capital “Q.”  Dad (Michael Keaton) is a luggage salesman determined DIY is the only way to get anything done; Mom (Jane Lynch) is the most normal, but still a bit unbelievable; Grandma (Carol Burnett) is obsessed with death, convinced she’s going to kick it any moment; and Brother (Bobby Coleman) wears a sock puppet to his sister’s graduation.  We’re supposed to believe Ryden is intelligent, but when she doesn’t get her dream job the week after graduation and she can’t afford that apartment in the city, her life is ruined!  The script is horrible, the characters were totally unbelievable, the acting was mediocre (at best).  While I loved Bledel’s work on Gilmore Girls, this film did not make me hope for more films in her future…

Stewart and Robert Pattinson in New Moon

7. New Moon

Up until this point, you might be saying to yourself “I’ve never even heard of these movies!,” and you should consider yourself lucky.  A lot of them are in and out of theaters before you can bat an eye.  However, I’m sure you’ve all heard of my #7, and maybe even a few of you are Team this guy or Team the other one.  As for me, I’ll take Harry Potter (hell, I’ll even take Lemony Snicket) over this ridiculous tripe.  The teen angst Kristen Stewart emotes here is a bit disturbing when you realize she is a high schooler who is so in love with a several-hundred year old man (sure, sure, in a high schooler’s body) that she can’t even breathe without him.  Even more disturbing are the actual middle-aged women in the audience hooting and hollering every time these actual high school boys take their shirts off.  Apparently, if your abs are well-defined enough, there’s no need to know how to act–just take off your shirt!

Larter and Elba in Obsessed

6. Obsessed

To be fair, however, this acting rule doesn’t apply to just underage boys.  Ali Larter proves that flashing the goods can help distract from bad acting.  In this Fatal Attraction knock-off, Idris Elba plays some successful suit (how do we know he’s successful?  He has a huge office and is married to Beyoncé!) who gets Larter as a temp secretary.  She quickly becomes [ahem] obsessed with him and misinterprets a bunch of innocent comments to think the two should run off together.  Craziness ensues and it all culminates in a house-destroying catfight, which isn’t nearly as exciting as it may sound because it comes at the end of a ridiculous story that is filled with absurd characters who never do anything that makes a bit of sense!

Odette Yustman in The Unborn

5. The Unborn

There’s nothing like a PG-13 horror movie about a high school girl haunted by the spirit of the twin brother she killed in the womb (seen one, seen ‘em all!).  Throw in a cheesy opening dream sequence, some Holocaust mythology and a completely pointless exorcism led by Gary Oldman (poor Gary Oldman) and you have the worst horror film of the year.  The trailer has every single “scare” that the film tries to pass off (and with the PG-13 rating, these scares suck).  I recall sitting in a nearly sold-out showing of this film back in January and the entire theater laughing throughout.  It’s pretty bad when your target audience (opening weekend teens ready to be scared) find more Ha’s than Aaah’s!

Nighy in Underworld: Rise of the Lycans

4. Underworld: Rise of the Lycans

I’ll admit, I haven’t seen either of the previous Underworld films, nor did I even realize this was a prequel to the series, but this Romeo & Juliet story with vampires and werewolves seemed pretty pointless.  Are the vampires in the other Underworld films as pathetic as they are here?  And I assume that the only reason Bill Nighy and the (usually) excellent Michael Sheen are in this was due to contractual obligations involved from their work on the first one (which might not have been so bad).  Basically, you have a bunch of pathetic vampires locked up in their castle with Sheen as this werewolf who protects them during the day from a bunch of other more-evil werewolves during the day. The two (three?) groups have an epic battle that felt a bit reminiscent of some of the Lord of the Ring battles, and in the end some people die.  Luckily, it’s the type of movie that is very ephemeral.  I can’t recall much of the plot.  I do remember wondering when my 92 minutes would be over and I could move on to something better….

Perry in Madea Goes to Jail

3. Madea Goes to Jail

I feel like it just wouldn’t be a “Worst of” list without Tyler Perry.  I actually had avoided all of his movies up until Madea Goes to Jail, but I was faithfully trying to see every movie released in theaters, and every hobby has some downsides, right?  I really don’t understand the appeal of these characters.  I was always under the impression that African-Americans and Christians were the main components of his target audience.  While I get the Christian message about redemption, it’s in a story filled with cursing, sexual jokes and pot smoking.  Somehow, I found it difficult to imagine Christians finding this (or his second movie of 2009, I Can Do Bad All By Myself which also features child abuse as comedy) humorous, but a few months ago my parents actually got a free pass for a PPV film from DirecTV.  They chose Jail and loved it.  I wanted to ask why they enjoyed this “comedy,” but decided to sidestep that conversation where I envisioned eventually mocking their movie choices.  But still, it pains me that a movie like this can outperform something like Zombieland in total domestic box office.  What is wrong with our country?

Bart the Bear and Grant in Did You Hear About the Morgans?

2. Did You Hear About the Morgans?

I don’t understand how this movie was cast.  Did someone actually think that horse face and charming Brit would make for a believable, likable couple?  In this film, two New Yorkers are thrown into middle America in some ridiculous Witness Protection plot.  Halfway through, I was hoping the killer would find them and kill them just so I could get to my next screening.  There’s absolutely no chemistry between these two actors, even during the rekindling of their cold marriage.  Hugh Grant seems to phone it in the entire film, making eye contact with Sarah Jessica Parker for approximately 60 seconds total.  Mary Steenburgen (looking fantastic) and Sam Elliott (whose mustache looks fantastic) play the couple housing them while deeper covers are developed elsewhere.  “Jokes” about guns, Republicans, bear-repellent and serving meat to vegetarians abound. The only tiny bright spot in this film are the scenes involving the couple’s assistants (Elisabeth Moss and Jesse Liebman)—I enjoyed their awkward chemistry, but sadly, their screen time is limited.  The coda of the film is one of the most ridiculous endings I can recall in recent cinema.

And the worst film of 2009 is….

Williams and Travolta in Old Dogs

1. Old Dogs

It’s odd how Robin Williams seems to see-saw back and forth between quality and crap.  Earlier this year, he was fantastic in World’s Greatest Dad, an odd but touching comedy directed by Bobcat Goldthwait.  Then, he stars in this absolute POS that actually features a series of “jokes” revolving around a self-tanning accident that makes Williams look black.  John Travolta comes along for the ride, where these 50-something heterolifemates and business partners (and yes the movie stoops to making a “partner” joke) have to babysit 7-year-old twins despite having no parenting experience or knowledge.  It’s like two times The Game Plan which ends up being half as funny.  This wins the title of Worst Movie of 2009 simply because it is so trite and ridiculous and yet features so many actors who I know can do better.  Besides Williams and Travolta, you have Kelly Preston, Lori Loughlin, Seth Green, Bernie Mac (how sad is it that this was his final film?), Matt Dillon, Rita Wilson, Amy Sedaris & Luis Guzmán in this dreck.  Can no one in Hollywood read a script and make recommendations to fix it?

Think you saw something worse?  Tell me about it…