Some people are too stupid to live.

One of them, I’m now convinced, lives in Florida.

No, I’m not talking about your Uncle Bernard.

I’m talking about the student (or, more frighteningly, students) that turned a substitute teacher in to his supervisor for performing a magic trick in class.

Yes, you read that right. The teacher did a magic trick, one where he makes a toothpick disappear and then reappear. True alchemy. The substitute in question, Jim Piculas, was accused of, brace for it, WIZARDRY, and dismissed from his position in the middle of the school day.

Wizardry.

Wait, let me check my calendar…yup, it’s still 2008. For a second there, I thought I may have woken up this Monday in 17th century New England or perhaps 15th century Europe, what with all these witches and warlocks running about. Someone has some explaining to do.

See, I thought that I lived in a rational, learned society, where silly superstitions about black cats and witchcraft were a thing of the distant past that was mocked, in a way, by college co-eds dressing up as sexy witches every Halloween, only to make some lucky kid’s virginity dissapear, then make crabs magically appear in it’s place. I never dreamed that I lived in a place where a teacher could be accused of “wizardry” for doing a rudimentary slight-of-hand trick in front of some middle-schoolers.

I guess Monty Python was right when they pronounced that no one expects the Spanish Inquisition…

I suppose some brainwashed little fundamentalist Christian kid went home to his parents that night, proud because he had outed a witch that was in their midst. Meanwhile, his/her classmates went home confused and saddened, because they really wanted Mr. Piculas to show them how he did that neat trick he showed them before making them practice their times tables. Hopefully, the natural order of middle school will be asserted and that kid that got Jim Piculas fired (for WIZARDRY…I can’t stress this enough, WIZARDRY!!) will be given a “swirly” a wicked “wedgie” and then shoved into a locker for the remainer of the day.

It’s the least the good, sensible middle schoolers could do.

Of course, given that this kid has already gotten a teacher fired by accusing them of wizardry, the students that enacted this revenge might be expelled, accused of being “heretics” and taken to the torture chamber so that they may repent and accept God over whatever pagan lord they currently serve.

And people ask me why I have no desire to visit Florida. If this kind of shit keeps up, I may just move to a country where people don’t still believe in magic spells and wizards, like ANY OTHER MODERNIZED COUNTRY IN THE ENTIRE WORLD! Yelling with Caps Lock, that’s how angry shit like this makes me.

If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go have a good long cry over the state of humanity…enjoy your Monday.