Sure, we look well-adjusted…

You’ve probably noticed by now that each of us here at Sod gives off a very self-confident, cocky demeanor in our posts. We have that air of impenetrability around each and every word that we write, like it’s the absolute gospel truth AND it’s funnier than two monkeys playing with…well, anything.

You know what I’m talking about, right? If not, just take a look around here. Each and every one of us comes across as funny as hell and absolutely sure of ourselves. I assure you, this is not, in fact, true. The truth is that we work in cubicles that smell vaguely of urine in a basement office in Mandan, North Dakota. We fuel ourselves with cheap coffee from Stirbucks, the local coffeeshop that, you guessed it, apes Starbucks. We have two computers between us and a dial-up connection through an AOL disc with 1000 free minutes on it.

This is not evident in our writing. Neither is the truth that our fact-checkers, Stephen Caldwell Johnson and Davy-boy can barely read at a 2nd-grade level (one higher than half our our writing staff reads at, but again, you’d never know it) and never learned the Dewey Decimal system. Why do I mention the Dewey Decimal system, you ask? Seeing as we have only two computers with 1000 minutes of actual internet time between them, we have resorted to sending our fact-checkers across the street to the local library when they’re on the job. Sure, it takes longer to makes sure the story’s are correct, but we think it’s worth it. Plus, Davy-boy works nights at the Coca-Cola distributor, so he keeps us in Diet Coke and Stephen makes a killer Reuben. It’s the little things that make the difference.

But hey, this is the best we can do. Or, at least, it’s the best that we aspire to. “Blog Author” was high on our career paths, even before we knew what a blog was. It was fate. Who cares if we’re actually just volunteers who live in bleak studio apartments and drink ourselves to bed every night? We’re professionals. That’s why we don’t let all of this show through in our writing.

That’s why we’re awesome. Or at least we think we are. And you should, too.