As you’ve probably already noticed, we are already in the midst of the four three-day Republican “Barack Obama Is A Pussy” National Convention, but since we all know that this is roughly as entertaining as a kitten strangling conference, I prefer to look back to the past, all the way to a whole week ago and the Democratic Convention. You may recall it. It was that big soap opera where everyone was wondering if Hillary Clinton was finally going to declare her delegates a sovereign nation and declare war on the mainland. For those of you who may have missed it, journey with me on a fantastic nostalgia trip via the wonders of YouTube.

MONDAY

As all the Democrats in the country gathered together in Denver, panic was palpable in the air, as their Presidential candidate was only 3-5 points ahead in polling, which certainly meant a disastrous defeat that would destroy democracy once and for all. So it was decided that the only way to turn around this winning campaign was to show unity as a party by getting the Clintons to stop lighting the Obama delegates on fire before throwing them out of plate glass windows. But unity would have to wait, as the first night of the convention was set aside for all speakers everyone was reasonably certain wouldn’t try to overtake the party.

Everybody likes surprises, even Democrats. Which is why the festivities started off with a surprise that everybody knew was going to happen – Ted Kennedy made his second public appearance since being diagnosed with a brain tumor. And since jokes about brain cancer aren’t exactly my style of comedy, all I’m going to say is that Ted Kennedy did pretty damn good. Also, it was discovered after the fact that he was also suffering from a painful case of kidney stones, which goes to prove my theory that Ted Kennedy is probably not human.

In an attempt to capture the lightning in a bottle that was Zell Miller at the 2004 Republican Convention, the Democrats decided it’d be a jim dandy idea to get a Republican to vouch for their candidate. Unfortunately, what they failed to grasp was that to get anyone’s attention, they’d need to find someone who was batshit crazy, rather than just dull as dishwater. Still, you know, A for effort.

To wrap things up for the night, Michelle Obama came out to assure the nation that she honestly had no intentions of spitting on any American flags, kicking small dogs into traffic, or telling your grandmother to get bent, despite what Fox News has been reporting for, let’s say, the last two years or so. In her goal of presenting herself as a loving wife and mother, she somehow managed to come off as a loving wife and mother, right up until the Obama children came out at the end and totally screwed up the hilarious “The Aristocrats” skit they had been meticulously practicing for the last six weeks. Boo children!

TUESDAY

On the second day, the Democrats all arose as one and declared that while Ted Kennedy was very touching with his brain tumors and kidney stones, and Michelle Obama and her untrained in acting children were good and all, there was still NOT ENOUGH PARTS INVOLVING KICKING JOHN MCCAIN IN THE GONADS. Surely this will lose us the election, for if we do not definitively declare that John McCain is the son of the devil and the world’s biggest asshole, how will the American people know that we are not a bunch of limp-wristed sissies? So all the Democrats decided to get their nerve up for all the macho name-calling they totally intended on doing by drinking as much free beer as possible, threw up all over themselves and passed out into their seats.

If you’ve ever wondered what a coma looks like, it’s like listening to Mark Warner’s keynote address. Forever.

And here’s the night’s main event, Hillary Clinton giving her acceptance speech approval of Barack Obama’s campaign speech. But fret not, loyal Hillary supporters, as though the Democratic Party was quite insistent on her not actually verbalizing the intense amount of sorrow burning like a flame in her heart, she was still free to send non-verbal clues to the diehard PUMAs just longing for marching orders before the election. Here’s some of the subliminal clues I picked up:

1. Orange pantsuit subtle hint that she is being held prisoner by the Democratic Party.

2. Neglecting to mention being a “proud wife” probably means she already killed Bill and replaced him with a look-alike.

3. “Keep going” code for “I’m starting my own country. Maps are under your chairs. Meet me there next week.”

4. At 3:53, rapid blinking in left eye is Morse code for “Still ready on Day One! Come on, please?!”

5. Gives Michelle Obama the finger at the end.

WEDNESDAY

Now on the third day, slightly more relieved by the fact that Hillary Clinton hadn’t shot anyone the night before, the delegates finally were given the chance to get down to business – selecting the nominee that they’d already selected three months prior. This was accomplished by a carefully plotted out allocation of the delegates state-by-state, up until Hillary Clinton, as usual, came out and ruined everything.

And now we all finally see what Barack Obama’s secret plan was for winning the nomination – getting Hillary Clinton to quite in front of everyone. He’s a genius!

So with that ugly business behind us, let’s have us some more speeches!

Does anyone know who this guy is? He claims to be John Kerry.

Tensions were a little bit high after the media had noticed that Bill Clinton’s original draft of his speech included a five-minute interval of Bill punching a Barack Obama action figure in the face for roughly five minutes, but this appears to have been trimmed out of the final draft. Instead, he gave a very concise and inspirational speech on how awesome he was at being President. Which is, truthfully, the best anyone could’ve hoped for.

And last but certainly not least, Joe Biden and his awesome hair plugs dropped by to accept the Vice Presidential nomination and try to go fifteen minutes without calling Obama “articulate” or listing any things that John McCain could suck on. He succeeded admirably at both tasks.

THURSDAY

Party time! On the last day of the convention, no longer able to contain the free-for-all sexy party that was about to break out, the entire convention shifted to Invesco Field for Barack Obama’s ascent to the top of Mount Doom and his destruction of the One Ring once and for all. But before he did that, he was introduced by none other than his good friend … John McCain?

What the fuck is your game, old man?! HUH?!!

Of course, no rock concert is complete without a good opener, and Obama just happens to have exactly the guy you’d expect to be electrifying a crowd of 75,000+ – Al Gore. If you close your eyes and pretend that the election of 2000 had actually gone to the winner instead of to the other guy, you can pretend that everything is different and this is a speech from our outgoing President of the last eight years. But even if this was true, chances are pretty good we all would have been replaced by cyborgs that exhale Glade plug-in scents instead of carbon dioxide by now, so I guess I should be counting my blessings.

But here we are now, the main attraction, the headliner, the man of the hour, the man of the power, too sweet to be sour, the one, the only, your Democratic nominee for President of the United States and the people’s champion, Barack Obama!

And so it was that, on a Thursday evening, with the weight of the world on his shoulders, one man was able to rise to the heightened expectations placed in front of him and not only meet them, but exceed them entirely. Truthfully speaking, as someone who has been disappointed by the Democratic party time and time again, I was filled with some sort of foreign emotion that I remain completely unclear to this day as to what it was. It felt like remorse and regret, except exactly the opposite of that. What would you call that? Seriously. I’ve never experienced it before. It’s kinda tingly.

And thus, the Democratic Convention came to a close, with the Democratic Party having done everything it set out to do – unite the party, cast off all uncertainty, and have the party’s new figurehead emerge in a stronger position than he was prior to the convention’s start. Everything was finally the way it should be, and a cautious sense of optismism swept out upon the land.

And then the next day, John McCain named the female governor of Alaska with only twenty months of experience and roughly 12,000 skeletons in her closet as his running mate, and I bet you don’t remember any of this every happening, do you? Yeah, me neither.