Those of us in the advertising biz (“biz” is what those of us in the advertising biz like to use in place of “business”) get really excited when the Super Bowl rolls around each year. It’s not because we like football. We hate physical exertion. No, what we really like is all the cool advertisements. And those of us in the advertising biz here in The Biz (those of us in the advertising biz in The Biz like to refer to the city of Bismarck, North Dakota as “The Biz”) are particularly excited to see what kind of advertisements you can make when you have a multi-million dollar budget.

So for those of you interested, I will now be presenting the observations of a Biz Bizzer (I have no idea what that one’s supposed to mean) on this year’s Super Bowl. Handily presented below are a sampling of Super Bowl ads, along with a highly technical numerical ranking of the ad based on its merits. Please do your best to pay attention. There will be a quiz at the end.

Economy’s Really That Bad, Huh?

Yeah, nice try, Ed McMahon and M.C. Hammer, but I’m not falling for your “Send us all of your jewelry and other expensive belongings” scheme. Not again.

Number of suckers fleeced by McMahon/Hammer Industries: 42,357,698

That Cow Needs To Be Curbed

With any advertisement, the key goal is to impress upon your audience to go out and do something. And this commercial has succeeded in its goal. I am now definitely buying an ostrich.

Number of ostriches I will own: 3

Somebody Ask For A Monkey Commercial?

They key thing to remember in any Super Bowl advertisement is that if you include monkeys, your commercial doesn’t even have to make any sense. Because it has monkeys in it! Ha! Look at all the monkeys!

Number of monkeys: Five

Enjoying The Suffering Of Others

Slapstick comedy is also a sure-fire winner during the Super Bowl. Watch this Pepsi Max commercial and laugh along at the misfortunes of others, and try not to think of the fact that if any of those things happened to a person in real life, they would have died in horrific pain and almost nobody at the funeral would have been laughing.

Number of contusions: 18

The Future of Advertising

Yeah!

Number of seconds: One

Repetition Is Key In Advertising

If you, for some reason, do feel like your commercial needs to be longer than one second, make sure that every second counts by putting in as many koalas getting punched in the face as you think you can get away with.

Number of koalas punches to the face: 3

Hey, Everybody! It’s Nannerpuss!

If they made that into a TV show, I would spend every free minute I had watching it.

How much I want to hug Nannerpuss: A lot.

Please Put On Your 3-D Glasses Now

I have often said that the one thing my life was missing was dancing lizards and football players wearing unitards in 3-D. Now that these events have finally come to pass, I see how underwhelming this life really is. Also…

I forgot to take my 3-D glasses off until this happened, and I’m pretty sure I’m gay now.

You’d Better Shut Up, Talking Babies.

While it is true that the technological advances of today allow us to make babies appear to be talking, the actual concept in practice falls a bit short in that it’s still creepy as hell to watch. It’s nice to see that after ten years, we still have learned absolutely nothing from Baby Bob.

Number of talking baby commercials I want to see in my remaining lifetime: 0

Every Pepsi Generation Is Worse Than The Last

I saw will.i.am. and the circle logo and assumed that Obama had started campaigning for 2012. But then I realized it was just Pepsi preemptively taking a pee on Bob Dylan’s grave. Hope and change, my ass.

How many roads a man must walk down: 12

Hold On To Your Ass

Good Lord. Why?

Number of people who’ve ever laughed their asses off watching Kath & Kim: 3

That seems vaguely like a threat.

Number of months Leno lasts in prime-time: 5

It’s Stupid. Like Stupid.

And to think, I’ve been sounding out the “Y” all these years. Thanks for spending three million dollars to teach me how to properly pronounce your name, Hyundai. With money that well spent, it’s easy to see why the automobile industry is booming right now.

Snow Globe + Gonad Area = Instant Hilarity

Thank God. I was starting to think I’d go a whole Super Bowl without seeing someone get hit in the crotch with something. Thanks, Doritos!

Chances of blows to the groin ever not being funny: 5%

And there you have it, everything worth getting excited about this last Sunday. Also, I suppose there was this one other thing worth watching, which was actually more action-packed and excited than I had expected. I might as well share that with you too.

How did that cat breathe inside of that drawer? If you ask me, that whole scenario was kind of ludicrous.