If you are like me, you were up late last night thinking to yourself, “Boy, it’s sure been a while since the world got a new Duggar. I wonder how much longer I’ll have to wait for that to happen?” The answer, as it always is, is about five more minutes.

Yes, the Duggars are, as Duggars are wont to do, expecting yet another addition to their mulletted brood. And because this is apparently something that someone somewhere will care about, they went onto the Today Show to announce the news, where they actually had the gall to try to tease their audience before the commercial break that they had a “special announcement” to make,  as if anyone would have no idea what it was they’d be announcing. “The Duggars have something to announce, you say? Well, I wonder if they finally discovered that cure for polio they were talking about. I’ll bet you anything that’s it.”

In case you haven’t had your intelligence insulted enough already yet today, check out this section of the interview from Mama Duggar:

“I was wanting pickles and the older girls were saying, ‘Mom, you only crave these at the very beginning of being pregnant, You kept it from us before, now tell us. Are you?’” Michelle says. “And I kept telling them I wasn’t. I just wanted some pickles.”

But when she couldn’t lose weight on her diet, she became suspicious.

“I was in Weight Watchers with Jim Bob and I wasn’t losing any weight,” she says. “I couldn’t figure it out. I was doing what I should. And the baby, who was nursing, was fussy. I kept thinking, ‘This isn’t right. She isn’t teething, she doesn’t have an ear infection. I’m not cheating on my diet, I should be losing weight.’ Then, I put two and two together and wondered if I could possibly be pregnant.”

She took out one of two tests she had in the house and it was immediately positive.

“I told Jim Bob and he couldn’t keep it in, he was so excited.  The kids were outside playing on a water slide and he gathered them together and had to share the news. There was all this screaming and yelling.”

This is the part that confuses me. This woman has had eighteen children already, yet for reasons beyond my comprehension, she is still somehow completely blindsided by the news that she is pregnant yet again. Lady, have you seriously not yet figured out what it is that causes this condition? I’ll give you a clue. It’s that thing that you and your husband must be doing with each other every other hour of your lives. But no, sudden food cravings and weight gain and she has to actually stop to ponder whether she might just be pregnant. Nah, couldn’t be. Probably just the monkey pox.

And then, of course, her kids greet this news like they just found out that Donny Osmond is moving into their basement. Because this is something that’s never happened before! Mom’s pregnant! Oh my God! Jump up and down and scream in excitement! Another brother or sister that I’ll have difficulties remembering the name of! It’s like Christmas, but only better!

Okay, last thing, I swear. You only had two pregnancy tests in your house? Scientists need to seriously create some sort of permanent pregnancy test that this woman can strap around her arm and when Jim Bob inevitably impregnates her yet again in another two months, it’ll send an electrical current down into what’s left of her uterus, just so it’d have that much more warning to get the hell out of here while you still can.

I don’t mean to joke around here, because this is serious business. If you’re unfortunate enough to be like me, you’ve already done the math and come to the same conclusion I have: there is only about three to four more years before the Earth’s population is completely overrun by Duggars. Figure it out for yourself. The remaining female Duggars that weren’t already traded to the gypsies for food will soon be reaching their prime birthing years of the age of 7. Once that starts, there will be no stopping them. Unless you’ve figured out a way to stay alive while being crushed underneath the weight of a veritable sea of children with every “J” name possible, I’d suggest getting your affairs in order tonight. You have very little time left until a Duggar is standing on top of you.

Why does it always have to be the Mormons who breed so much that they bring about the end of civilizations? Why can’t it ever be someone cool, like the Gideons?