I’ve always liked Top Five lists. I also tend to enjoy driving. So it seemed fair to create a list of the five things that I hate the most about driving. Here we go:

1. Start Seeing Motorcycles - This is a real problem. Motorcyclists are in a much more precarious position on our roadways than those of us safely ensconced in our cars. But some motorcyclists flaunt the fact that they’re operating a smaller, more maneuverable vehicle. I’m talking about the jackasses on crotch rockets that weave indiscriminately in and out of traffic. I watched yesterday as a guy darted between two cars and across three lanes of traffic, narrowly avoiding being hit. In cases like that, being hit by a car would be deserved.
2. Nervous Drivers - You can’t be hesitant on the highway. You can’t slam on your brakes for no reason with other cars behind you. If you’re not comfortable behind the wheel of a car, get a bicycle or ride the bus. It’s pretty simple. By driving erratically, driving well under the speed limit and slamming on your brakes at random because you’re scared, you’re not just endangering yourself, you’re pissing off and endangering everyone. Go home.
3. My Car Is Too Big - You’ve all seen them. Middle-aged housewife-type. Alone in a large SUV the size of Soviet Russia. Trying to pull into/out of a parking space in a crowded parking lot. It’s never a good situation. Inevitably, I will end up waiting for them to shuffle their way out of/into that parking space so I can move forward and stop holding up traffic. You look like a bigger idiot than you are, and that’s saying a lot. Get a fucking Subaru if you can’t handle that Ford Excursion.
4. Big Studs - No, not the jerkoffs in the jacked-up pickup trucks, galloping down the street. I’m talking about people who put their studded tires on their cars at the slightest hint of the possibility that there could be any snowfall whatsoever, and then leave them on until May. They may not do anything in particular that annoys me on the road, but the simple fact that they are clink-clink-clinking their way down the street, tearing up the asphalt without a care in the world angers me to no end.
5. Paris Hilton Drivers - These are the people that let their little tiny, yippy dogs sit on their lap while they drive. I’m guilty of not placing my dogs in a kennel every (or any) time they ride with me in a car, but there is one place that is always off limits, my lap. I’m driving, it’s an attention-consuming task. I don’t need a furry friend licking my face and getting in the way of my operation of a 2000lb vehicle. Note: these people are also often seen wearing a blue-tooth headset and talking animatedly to someone at all times.

Look, driving a car is something that most people do on a fairly regular basis. It’s not the most difficult of tasks. You have a gas pedal, a brake pedal, a steering wheel and occasionally a clutch. That’s it. Pretty simple. Anyone who isn’t a total idiot should be able to figure the intricacies of it out pretty quickly. There are literally dozens of things that we each do every week that are more difficult than driving a car. Especially this week. Filling out a 1040 tax form takes much more concentration than driving your Honda Civic. Which is a terrifying thought, as there seems to be quite a lot of people who seem barely capable of even doing that.