Look, I didn’t want it to have to come to this, but we need to talk, America.

Okay, so I understand that having just the one political party is not enough. Because then elections would be really boring and we wouldn’t have any excuses to get into really intense arguments with our relatives at Christmas. Admittedly, that all would suck, the whole getting along thing and everyone always agreeing on stuff. BORING. I get that. So that’s why we have the two political parties, the Democrats and the Republicans, and you have to pick one or the other to be in or they make you move to Canada. That’s the American legal system and we all agreed to it when we signed the contracts. Understood.  I’m fine with it, mostly. But despite the fact that we are all hopefully divided by our mostly slight differences in political ideology, the question I have for all of you reading this is summed up in the following humorous moving picture which I have stolen from the Internet:

I used that picture of a cat for a reason. You see, I wanted to talk to you about this. From the Blue Arkansas blog:

Last night, I got the most chilling phone call I have ever received.  It was Jake Burris, Ken Aden’s campaign manager.  Last night, Jake and his four kids had come back to their Russellville home.  As they were getting out of the car, one of his children discovered their family cat dead on the front porch.  One side of the animal’s head had been bashed in and an eyeball was hanging out of its socket.  But there was something even more horrifying to be found on the corpse.

Written across the animal’s fur in black marker was the word “LIBERAL“.

I won’t include the picture of the cat, because I happen to hate terrible things, but if you like making yourself sad you can click on the link I provided. I won’t judge you, even if I don’t really want to have any conversations with you ever again. Anyway, this is the thing we need to talk about. We need to talk about the fact that politics is fun. It is is very fun to ascribe to a certain party, be it liberal or conservative, and then base all of your world views around that set of beliefs. Then, once you’ve done that, and you’ve determined all of the things that you believe are 100% right and correct and what God expects you to believe, then consequently, all of the beliefs of the other party that you didn’t choose must be WRONG. Completely wrong. So wrong, in fact, that they are evil. EVVVIIIILLLLLL!! And since these beliefs are wrong, the ones that you don’t have, then those who do have them consequently are wrong themselves, and as such must be punished for believing in wrong things. It is fun playing this game, where politics is like a football game and we all want to punch each other all of the time over meaningless shit.

But please. Let’s not kill people’s cats. Because we can all agree that’s really not cool. Cats don’t have political affiliations, you sick fuck.

The thing is this. When you have advanced so far in your political belief system that you can justify, in your mind, walking onto another man’s porch and smashing his cat’s head in with a brick, you have crossed the line. That is not acceptable human behavior, we can all agree. And I don’t know the motives of our friend, the cat killer, other than the fact that he seems to believe cat killing to be an acceptable form of political statement to be made in today’s society. Maybe it was meant as a threat. Maybe it was because he doesn’t want people who have differing ideologies to his own to possess happiness. Maybe he believe that the cat itself was liberal (which is idiocy, by the way, because as my friend Nate has pointed out to me, all cats are inherently libertarian, duh). It doesn’t matter really. Whatever the motives of the cat killer were, the problem is that nothing inside his very thick skull ever said to him “Hey, maybe this is a bad idea, killing this innocent cat like I am doing.” So this is a problem, and now we must find a solution to this problem.

I’m not what you would call a problem solver, in that I don’t typically solve other people’s problems as I am both slow-witted and mostly apathetic. But the solution to this particular problem is clear. We need to find this person who bashes in the heads of cats and we need to hit him with the bricks. And since a cat’s head is much smaller than a human’s head, it is only fair if the bricks that we use are either larger or more abundant, and preferably inside of a bag because that would make it easier to swing the bag of bricks at him. So that is our homework for the night. Find the cat killer, and then we hit him in the head with bricks. This is a thing we are going to do.

Or, alternately, a different thing that we could do is maybe we could all agree that politics is, at its core, kind of stupid, and that we can all somehow find a way to get along that doesn’t involve us murdering each other’s pets. Which would be good, we can agree, and does not make us as bad of people as this person who so wantonly and recklessly murders other people’s cats like he does. So whichever direction we all choose to go in, either improving upon ourselves as a species and/or hunting down this waste of DNA and removing him from the gene pool, I think we will all be better as a society because of it. So please. No more cat killing. It is for the best, I assure you.