It’s fucking MARCH! 2010!! Seriously, what happened? The last two months have flown by faster than I ever remember. January and February aren’t the most exciting, colorful months, but it’s like they weren’t even there. I know I’ve heard people say that time moves faster after you turn 30, but this is insane. Now, we’re ankle-deep in my least favorite month, March. Wonderful. I had to come up for air now? Really?!

Why don’t I like March? Why should I? Aside from March Madness, which really culminates in April, there’s nothing to like. March is a sticky, breezy, drizzling turd. Time shifts in mid-month for no reason, just to fuck with us a little more. We’re robbed of waking up to sunlight for the last two weeks for no reason. Thanks, WWI-era America, ya spat-wearin’ bastard.

Julius Caesar shouldn’t be the only person to be warned of the ides of March.

Rupert Murdoch was born in March. So was Mark-Paul Gosselaar. And Osama Bin Laden. If that isn’t enough to make you hate March as much as I do, I don’t know what to tell you. You have a heart of stone and are quite possibly evil. It’s as simple as that. Hate to be the one to break it to you. Oh, one more. James Earl Ray, the man who shot Martin Luther King Jr., was also born in March. March; birth-month of evil.

There is one redeeming birthday in March that I could find. Kirby Puckett.

Still, March sucks.

Some of you are screaming, “But Nate, St. Patrick’s Day is in March!” Great, the one holiday that we have this month just so happens to be the holiday where you are most likely to get so drunk that you throw up (close second-Columbus Day). Wonderful. Dry-heaving over a pool of bile and green-tinted beer is so much better than getting presents or candy or turkey.

March is also National Frozen Food month. No kidding. Next week is National Crochet Week. Tomorrow, March 5th, is National Multiple Personalities Day. I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried. Apparently, when they were divvying up months and weeks and days for observances, someone decided to put all the throw-away ones in March. Why? We’ve been over this, but I’ll state it again; March sucks.

So, I don’t know about you, but I’m going to go right back to doing whatever it was that made the last two months fly by with such ease. I want no part of March and am completely content to wait it out until April comes along. With April, you at least get some warmer weather, some occasional showers and Buddy Ebsen’s birthday. Sounds like my kinda month.