You there, youth of America. You look like you need to be related to. Do you need to be related to? I bet you do. Don’t worry, kids. I’m totally down with the things that you’re down with. I’m hip. With it. Totally fly and jiggy with it. What I’m trying to say is that I am totally on the same level with you and can relate to despite the fact that I am not your same age and I will prove this to you by speaking to you in a language that you, the youth, can totally relate to. That’s right. I’m going to do a rap video. Because that’s what you kids are totally into. Rap music.

Yo yo yo! Some of you try to rhyme, but you cannot rhyme like this! That bomb was the shiznit, yo! iPods! Wii! The Amazon Kindle!

Not that I’m done relating to you, the young people, let’s talk about rap videos. Don’t do rap videos any more. Unless you are a rapper, in which case, feel free. But for the rest of you, no. No rap videos. No. Never again.

It’s not that I don’t get the joke. Because I do. It’s funny because black people rap. But you’re not black. You’re white! Ergo, funny joke! It is funny when white people try to rap, because that is not a thing that white people typically do. Even better, you are acting like you are black while you rap. Funnier joke still! Those black people, they sure are funny with their rapping all the time, so it will be funny if I, an obvious white person, do the black mannerisms and make a rap video and put it on the Internet. This is a funny idea, and people will relate to it and respect me for having done it.

NO. This is not an original idea. This is, quite literally, something lame white people have been doing for thirty years now. Remember “Pretty Fly For A White Guy”? That song by the Offspring making fun of the white people pretending to be rappers? THAT WAS FIFTEEN YEARS AGO. It wasn’t all that funny then. It isn’t funny now. And it’s not even the “so not funny that it is actually funny” kind of funny. It is merely not funny, so just stop. STOP MAKING RAP VIDEOS FOR ANYTHING EVER.

Allow me to be specific, in case you now do not know what it is you are not supposed to be doing right now.

RAPPING. This is the big one. Some people are good at rapping. They can not only write enjoyable, creative lyrics, but can deliver them in a way that is pleasing to the human ear. You are not one of these people. And it is not amusing even if you are aware of this fact. I, myself, am not a dental hygienist, as I have never had the training or the skill set necessary to clean other people’s teeth. But I do not suffer under the delusion that if I were to attempt to be a dental hygienist and filmed myself trying to dental hygiene another person, it would make a good YouTube video. It would not. It would just be me making another person bleed from the mouth while being awkwardly unprepared for the thing that I was attempting to do. That is not funny. That is merely me failing at life, and I assure you, there is nothing funny about that. Believe me. I know.

BACKWARDS HATS. Hi. I’m 1983. I would like my comedic materials back, please, Jay Leno. I know watching MTV is unpleasant, which is why you, the old person, does not wish to do it. I understand. I don’t want to watch MTV either. But I assure you, while the kids do occasionally still wear their hats backwards, it is by no means a reflection of the kids today, nor of the rappers that they listen to. Please turn your hat back around. You look like an asshole.

WAVING HANDS. As a white person  myself, I am well aware that we lack rhythm as a people. So once the rap music starts playing, I understand the urge to start swaying back and forth, emphasizing the words being rapped with an emphatic hand gesture. That’s all well and good. But it turns out, you just look like a goddamned idiot while you’re doing that. So please, just hold perfectly still and don’t move while you are awkwardly attempting to rap. Better yet, just don’t do any of what you were planning to do. As I mentioned earlier, you are not a rapper.

KANYE WEST GLASSES. Okay, this one is at least from within the last five years. Kudos for that. Congratulations on having included that one thing from the current millennium in your culturally relevant satire of pretending to be a rapper. Still, again, no. Just because you have Kanye West’s glasses on, you are not fooling anyone into believing you are Kanye West. Which you should be thankful for, because oh my god, that guy is such a douche. I could write a blog about just that, but I’m not. Because first I have to write one about you and your rap video. STOP MAKING THE RAP VIDEO.

Okay, there’s probably more things I could tell to you stop doing, but I will lead by example and stop writing this blog on you and your rap video if you, in return, will stop rapping. I beg you, every single person everywhere making rap videos when you have no business making rap videos, just stop. Nobody is enjoying the thing you are doing. Just please, go back to not being creative or funny or interesting in other ways that do not involve rapping in some way. Thank you in advance, for your not rapping any more.