I had been having what seemed like a good day, up until I checked my Facebook page and saw that one of my Friends had posted the following:

“Less than two weeks until “The Tonight Show” is ruined by Conan O’Brien. What was NBC thinking?!?!”

Steady, old boy. Steady.

Here’s my question for you, loyal reader. How exactly does one respond to such a statement? In truth, there is no response, because on its face, the statement makes absolutely no sense. Ruin the Tonight Show? See, here’s the problem. Saying that something will be “ruined” implies that there yet exists something that can still be ruined. In this particular instance, however, the object which is implied to be ruined, the Tonight Show, has already been smashed to death with all the subtlety of a Gallagher routine. You can no more ruin the Tonight Show then you can ruin a house fire. The ruining has already previously occurred.

The Tonight Show was ruined the second they attached “with Jay Leno” to the end of it. That was the point of no return. With one fell swoop, the most prestigious name in late night television became irrelevant. I ask you, how many people even refer to it as the Tonight Show anymore? Do you know anyone? No. Everyone calls it the Jay Leno show. Subliminally, we all do that to at least restore a little bit of prestige to the show that used to be hosted by Johnny Carson, Steve Allen and Jack Paar. By not associating it with that talentless chin clown.

Right now could possibly be the darkest time in human history in late night on NBC. The network that once featured Johnny Carson followed by David Letterman now lays claim to the 1-2-3 punch of Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon and Carson Daly. What I just described there might qualify as the epitome of human suffering. A Leno-Fallon-Daly block is so utterly heinous-sounding that I almost expect to hear Dick Cheney defending it on the news. It’s the equivalent of being diagnosed with cancer having already had AIDS and then being run over by a bus. Beamed into your living room every single night, three straight hours of desperate, humorless flailing. Something like going to see Robin Williams in concert.

The only thing that Conan O’Brien is ruining is NBC’s dastardly attempt to steal away your sanity. You should all be on your knees groveling your desperate thanks to Conan for at least attempting to break up the most awful thing ever conceived in human history. He almost got rid of Jay Leno. Almost. Sure, next season you’ll have to suffer through Jay Leno destroying NBC’s prime time schedule with his 9:00 antics, but there’ll be so many other things on the other networks you can watch besides that drivel. And then, my friends, at 10:35 each and every night, you will have the privilege of making the difficult choice between watching either Conan O’Brien or David Letterman, which is like choosing between chocolate and vanilla ice cream. No matter which way you go, it’ll still be awesome.

Ruin, nothing. Conan O’Brien is coming to save your worthless asses. Whether you deserve it or not.