YARR!!! Happy Lame Internet Meme Day!

As a card-carrying member of the Internet community, it is my legal duty to celebrate all Internet-related holidays. As such, today being International Talk Like a Pirate Day, I am legally bound to speak like a pirate. Yar. Mizzenmast. So this is the obligatory pirate blog post, which will be about, let’s say, commercials with pirates in them. Yo ho. Scurvy. Throw a shrimp on the barbie.

Ahoy. Here’s a pirate commercial for Free Credit Report Dot Com, with that singing kid who I want to cram my hook down his mizzenmast everytime I see his dumb face. Which is how you know it’s a good pirate commercial, when it makes you want to do violent things after watching it. Gold doubloons. Shoulder parrots. Bottle of rum.

Gwar. This kid drank so much Clorox, he thinks he’s a pirate. Left out is the part where he starts foaming at the mouth and then dies. Yahoy, me hearties.

Arrr.

Leave it to the Europeans to turn a pirate commercial into a bad acid trip. Shanghai. Crow’s nest. Did I do mizzenmast already? I did? Shit.

Not bad, but definitely needed more raping and pillaging. GyyarrRRARGHAHHH!! Oops, sorry. Sat on my car keys.

That’s it. I can’t go on with this farce any longer. I’m not a pirate, okay? I’m just a guy. I got two hands. I’ve never seen a parrot in my life that wasn’t in a cage or on a plate. I don’t want to do this anymore. You can’t make me. I quit. Seriously. Make you own pirate small talk.

Barnacles. Davy Jones. Goo goo ga joob.