For everyone who’s been asking me, here’s the answer everyone’s been waiting so long for. If I had to, I could defend myself against the onslaught of up to 24 five-year-old children. And here’s my proof.

24

Now you may be asking yourself, why would I possibly need to beat up children? To which I can only say, what are you, crazy? Have you not ever seen a kid before? Those little bastards are ruthless. They would gladly sneak into your home at night and destroy every single thing you have ever worked for and kill everyone you’ve ever loved, and they’d do it without a lick of remorse. So don’t look at me like I’m the one who should be ashamed for wanting to repeatedly bash a five-year-old in the head with a blunt object. If anything, you should be ashamed of yourself for being offended in the first place.

Is 24 good? I’m not really sure how many five-year-olds a man of my age should be able to beat up. It seems like a good amount. Although in real life, I’m pretty sure that at least one of them would land a lucky blow somewhere before 24, and then another one, and then another one until I hit the floor, and that’s when the kicks to the head would start. So I guess I’m flattered, but I’m not sold on my ability to render 24 five-year-olds into unconsciousness. Unless I had a 2 x 4, in which case, bring ‘em on.

So if you’re curious, you can gauge your own ability to pick up a five-year-old and throw him into a wall like a lawn dart by visiting www.howmanyfiveyearoldscouldyoutakeinafight.com. It seems like the kind of knowledge you should be expected to know. It might come up in a job interview someday. Or it makes a great conversation starter at parties. Or you could even use it as the subject of a cheap, one-off blog posting. Hey, like I just did!