Earlier this year, around the time when it was changing over from 2008 to 2009, there was a flurry of people recounting the year past by organizing top 10 lists of their favorite and least favorite things that happened in the prior year. Not wanting to seem uncool, I joined in on this practice by listing my ten best movies of 2008, and then promptly forgot to post it. Fast forward several weeks into 2009, well past the time when I would feel comfortable posting a “best of 2008″ list. To my delight, the Oscar nominations come out, giving me a brief window of opportunity to put my list up. Fast forward another week to today, where I just say screw it and put the damned thing up.

If you hadn’t heard the Oscar nominations yet, you might be surprised to learn a few things. One, you may have thought that WALL-E and The Dark Knight were good movies. You would be wrong. Neither could possibly stand up to the brilliance of The Reader, a movie that is so awesome that you’ve never even heard of it before this very second. Also, Clint Eastwood can’t act and Bruce Springsteen isn’t a good musician. That’s why I’m thankful we have the Oscars, to confirm that everything I like is in actuality total shit.

But since I don’t have the refined tastes of the Academy, all I have to offer is my humble picks for the best movies of the last year. So here they are. I don’t have shiny statues of naked gold men to present them, but still, there’s the prestige and all.

Top 10 Movies (I Saw) of the Year*

Please do keep in mind that I live in the middle of North Dakota, otherwise known as the center of non-existence. As such, much as I would like to have movies like Slumdog Millionaire and The Wrestler on my list, I can’t in good conscious, as I have not seen these movies because neither of the two theaters in Bismarck can spare the room amongst showings of Bolt 3-D and Paul Blart, Mall Cop.

1. The Dark Knight

I may be biased, what with this being a Batman movie and my being levels of nerd previously unknown to man. But consider this. Even if you removed every single Batman reference from this movie and made it instead about some random vigilante’s fight against an unnamed sociopath, this would still be a hell of a movie. That’s why this isn’t just a great superhero movie. It’s a great movie, period.

2. WALL-E

Strange as it may sound, the best romantic film of the year is a children’s animated film about two robots. Two robots with the inability to communicate much of anything besides beeps, whirs and their own names are still able to display more personality and more depth as characters than anything Adam Sandler’s done in his entire miserable life.

3. Tropic Thunder

When it comes to comedy, you have to appreciate when someone tries swinging for the fences. And Tropic Thunder, in my mind, mostly connects. There’s no easy jokes here. Everything they put in this film is, to coin a phrase, pure balls. It’s pretty easy to see how putting Robert Downey Jr. in blackface and Ben Stiller playing a portrayal of a mentally handicapped man as a stuttering, big-teethed moron could backfire. But it doesn’t, and that’s what made this the best comedy of the year.

4. Iron Man

Going back to the superhero movies again, but this one deserves mention purely because of Robert Downey Jr. He was inspired choice to play Tony Stark, and the took those high expectations and totally blew them away. The movie itself would’ve been good with anyone else in the lead role, but with Downey, this movie’s great.

5. Cloverfield

Most people have probably forgotten this movie even came out this year, and I doubt many will include it in the Top 10 of anything, but I will because I enjoyed the hell out of it. First of all, quite possibly the most creative concept of any film all year, and the execution of that concept was exceptional. Yeah, you might’ve gotten seasick watching it, but it was completely worth it.

6. Hellboy II

Sorry, I swear, last one. I wasn’t that crazy about the first Hellboy, but the sequel more than makes up for it. Guillermo del Toro is quite possibly the most imaginative director working in Hollywood today, and it translates perfectly in this film. With all the bizarre creatures running around in this flick, it’s actually a better reflection of what I’d hoped Pan’s Labyrinth would be.

7. Burn After Reading

I’m a sucker for pretty much anything the Coen brothers come up with, and I especially like their comedic attempts. This one is as good as any of their previous, and got kind of a bad rap from people who were expecting too much out of it. From a pure enjoyment standpoint, this has everything you could ask for. Plus, it’s the first time I’ve liked Brad Pitt in anything since …. um, gimme a minute…

8. Kung Fu Panda

As a general rule, I hate everything and anything that Dreamworks Animation shits out. But despite all odds, Kung Fu Panda was good. Really good. All of the lame pop cultural references and fart jokes of the Shrek films is passed over and replaced with actual humor and (gasp) a functional storyline. Plus, pandas are cute.

9. Be Kind Rewind

This is my third Jack Black film in my Top Ten, which probably should adequately reflect that I have no idea what I’m doing. But again, this was one of those films that I could sit and watch and be entertained by without being patronized to. And I have to give credit to anything with a DIY ethos as its central theme.

10. Baby Mama

Truth be told, I was having a hell of a time thinking of a tenth movie worth putting on the list, and while I don’t love Baby Mama, I did like it. Plus, it’s Tina Fey, so this is worthy of mention if for no other reason than that 30 Rock is my favorite damn TV show. It doesn’t hurt that the movie’s pretty funny either.

And now, I will proceed to my normal caustic self.

Shittiest Movies of the Year

1. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

George Lucas, if it’s not too much to ask, I’d like to have my childhood innocence restored. You could help that effort out greatly by ceasing to take 12-pound dumps on top of everything good you ever contributed to the world.

2. Journey to the Center of the Earth in 3-D

The movie starts off with Brandan Fraser spitting in your face (in 3D!). That pretty much sums up the rest of the movie. They couldn’t have made their point any clearer if they’d included a scene where they dug up Jules Verne’s corpse and peed on his skull.

3. Babylon A.D.

Because of my wife’s undying devotion to Vin Diesel, the two of us might have been the only two people in the country who bothered to see this film. And there’s a good reason why. This movie was a total mess. If you’re a big fan of watching random stuff happen for two hours before a very abrupt, totally nonsensical ending, check this one out. In that aspect, it delivers.

4. Fool’s Gold

I demand that Kate Hudson and Matthew McConaughey be legally forced to wear shock collars that send 30 volts through their neck if they get within fifty feet of each other. It’s the only way to stop them from movies together.

5. Everything Else

This would include movies like The Love Guru, Meet The Spartans, Speed Racer, Max Payne, What Happens In Vegas, Rambo, The Hottie and the Nottie, The X-Files: I Want to Believe, 10,000 B.C., Jumper, Sex and the City, The House Bunny, Four Christmases, Superhero Movie, Australia, Disaster Movie, The Rocker, Space Chimps, Swing Vote, 88 Minutes and Star Wars: The Clone Wars, which were all almost assuredly total shit, but at least had the decency to look enough like shit beforehand to make me avoid seeing them, thus putting them further down on the list than the crap that I did end up watching.

And that’s what movies were like for the last year. And, SPOILER WARNING, it’s what movies will be like again this year too. And every year after that. That’s right. Everything will continue to suck, from now until the end of everything, and there’s not a damn thing you can do to stop it. Get used to it, suckers.