Here’s my belated liveblog of the Grammy awards.

7:00 – Bored.

8:00 – Watching Lost.

9:00 – Bored again.

10:00 – Stop giving U2 awards. It just encourages them.

Here’s the thing about the Grammys. It seriously is the weirdest awards show God ever created. There is no other program that inspires as many “What in the blue hell was that?” comments in the space of three-and-a-half hours than the Grammys. And that can be both a good and a bad thing. The good is when you see things that you never even knew you wanted to see, like holographic cartoon characters and dueling marching band performances. The bad is when you see the most undeserving artists winning awards every single time.

I’m a fair man, however. So I’m doing this sandwich style. For every criticisms of the show I’m about to make, I will sandwich it between two slices of praise. That way, nobody gets their feelings hurt. So let’s do this thing.

Good – There was talk all week about whether or not Sly Stone was going to show up for his tribute. Well, he did. Near the end of the performance. With a giant mohawk. Right before walking about before the ending, leaving the rest of the goobers on stage to awkwardly finish the song without him. Bye, Sly! See ya in another nineteen years.

Bad – I like Green Day as much as anyone else. But they released their album two years ago. How do you justify giving them Record of the Year? Or Jay-Z and Linkin Park’s win for Best Sung/Rap Collaboration. Jay-Z retired in 2004. Why is he still getting awards in 2006? Same for U2. How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb was released in 2004.† And it wasn’t even all that good. So why did they win everything? What exactly do they judge an album on? Sales? Artistic merit? Or do they just vote for the person that they’ve actually heard of? I’m gonna go with that last one. Next year, maybe start giving Grammys to people who deserve them.

Good - There’s been plenty of grumbling about Mariah Carey being nominated for eight awards, but only winning three of the lesser ones. Not from me. You see, the one fact that seems to be glossed over when people complain that this was her big comeback album and how well it sold and how she deserved the recognition is the fact that Mariah Carey still sucks. Why is that such a hard concept to grasp? She, quite simply, is unlistenable. Sorry if that seems harsh, but the sooner we come to that realization, the better off we’ll be as a species.

Good – If there’s a lesson to be learned from this show, it’s this. If you really, really want to win the Album of the Year, do not spend every single interview you participate in demanding it. Do not declare yourself the world’s greatest living artist and that you deserve it the most, even if that’s true. Do not call the president a racist on national television when the voting is determined by rich, white guys. And most of all, don’t appear on the cover of Rolling Stone as Jesus. Ever. At some point, if you really are the best at what you do, you’ve just gotta shut up and let your work speak for itself. Better luck next year.

Bad – Is Jennifer Love Hewitt a member of the Black Eyed Peas now? As if I needed another reason to hate that band.

Good – You wouldn’t think I’d like Kelly Clarkson. She got her start on the worst show ever. She sings bubbly pop songs that were written for her by 40-year-old guys from Denmark. But doggonit, that “Since U Been Gone” song gets stuck in my head and takes hostages when I try to make it leave. And she’s kinda cute, in an ordinary, not anorexic, not stuffed with silicone kinda way. So good for her. I hope she wins every award she’s ever nominated for from here until eternity.

Good – Bruce Springsteen’s performance was what you would expect. Stripped-down. Powerful. Disturbing. And just a little bit politically dangerous. Just like my grandmother.

Bad - It’s becoming very apparent that the Grammy producers, if they had their way, would give away all of the awards before the show aired and fill their broadcast time with performances by every musical act they could drag in off the street. Last night, there was 27 musical performances, compared to 14 awards given out. They had so many musicians that they apparently dragged out the ping pong ball machine, wrote everyone’s names on each pinball, drew out two at random and made those two artists perform together just to save time. “Madonna, you’re with … the Gorillaz! U2, you’ve got … Mary J. Blige!! Christina Aguilera takes … Herbie Hancock!! Jay Z and Linkin Park, you get … oh, what the hell, take Paul McCartney. It’s his first time, let’s get the most out of him. In fact, everybody sings with Paul now.”

Good – Um. Gimme a minute. The..uh..hmm. The Kanye performance was kinda cool, I guess.

I could go on, but I’ve kind of forgotten everything else that happened. But that’s the Grammys for you. A bunch of really weird stuff happening for an extended period of time that you usually forget all about by the next day. But I watch it every single year, so who’s the real idiot here? That’s right. Paris Hilton is. I’m gonna go back to work. I suggest you do the same.

-Erik Hagen
/Six. Losing steam.
TheExpatriateAct@gmail.com