I like when I come upon stories in the newspaper where I have to try to figure out if they are actual stories, or just some sort of grand practical joke being played upon me by some unknown figure in a high position of power. Because that happens to me a lot!

So it is with the following. Read it with me and see if you don’t agree that existence is itself a joke at our expenses.

Lindsay Lohan wants $100M over E-Trade ad
Cries over E-Trade ad, wants $100M

It’s true! This is a thing that is actually happening! That’s why the subhead says exactly the same thing as the heading! Because it’s real!

The world revolves around Lindsay.

I have heard this, yes.

Lindsay Lohan is suing the financial company E-Trade, insisting that a boyfriend-stealing, “milkaholic” baby in its latest commercial — who happens to be named Lindsay — was modeled after her. And she wants $100 million for her pain and suffering, The Post has learned.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

The actress filed a lawsuit yesterday in Nassau County Supreme Court over the commercial that debuted during the Super Bowl this year.

The ad — part of a series starring babies who play the stock market — features a boy apologizing to his girlfriend via video chat for not calling her the night before.

“And that milkaholic Lindsay wasn’t over?” the baby girl asks him suspiciously.

“Lindsay?” the boy replies, just before a baby girl sticks her head into the frame and slurs, “Milk-a-what?”

Despite our differences, I think we can all agree that there is absolutely nothing funny about milkaholism. Shame on you, E-Trade.

Lohan’s lawyer, Stephanie Ovadia, said the actress has the same single-name recognition as Oprah or Madonna.

Double HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

“Many celebrities are known by one name only, and E-Trade is using that knowledge to profit,” Ovadia said.

“They used the name Lindsay,” Ovadia said. “They’re using her name as a parody of her life. Why didn’t they use the name Susan? This is a subliminal message. Everybody’s talking about it and saying it’s Lindsay Lohan.”

Well, this is hard to argue with. I remember just the other day, talking with everyone I’ve ever met incessantly over the last four weeks since the Super Bowl occurred on how that baby was obviously supposed to be Lindsay Lohan. Her name was Lindsay! That’s the same name that Lindsay Lohan has!

Ovadia wants an injunction to force the spot off the air, and the Lindsay camp wants every last copy of the commercial.

You can’t have mine! It’s my copy and I’m going to keep it!

Chris Brown, a spokesman for Grey Group, which produced the spot, is throwing cold milk on the controversy, saying it “just used a popular baby name that happened to be the name of someone on the account team.”

Interesting. Is the Lindsay Lohan camp aware of this woman’s existence? Please forward to them the name and address of this “Lindsay” person so that they can proceed with the necessary lawsuit.

Ovadia said E-Trade has violated Lohan’s rights under New York state civil-rights law and used her “name and characterization” in business without paying her or getting her approval.

The lawyer said that since the spot was seen by hundreds of millions of people watching the Super Bowl and Winter Olympics finals, the firm has garnered great profits.

I do recall reading something about E-Trade becoming the most popular company in existence since the Super Bowl. That was a really effective ad.

She says Lohan is owed $50 million in exemplary damages, plus another $50 million in compensatory damages.

I’m certain that a fair amount of research was put towards devising that dollar amount, based on the actual level of suffering that Lindsay Lohan has suffered as a result of this E-Trade advertisement, and that is not an inflated dollar amount that is in actuality the amount of money that Lindsay Lohan intends to spend on cocaine in the next business year. No sir. This thing’s on the level.

E-Trade could not be reached for comment.

Then allow me to make their comment for them, in their absence. “We very much look forward to this hilarious lawsuit.”

I don’t have a very large audience for this blog, but I’d like to think that somewhere, somehow, someone with the name Lindsay might be reading this. If you are, Lindsay, I feel it only fair to warn you now. RUN! RUN! RUN BEFORE LINDSAY LOHAN FINDS OUT ABOUT YOU! SHE’S FREAKING CRAZY!