In case you hadn’t figured it out from the umpteen million commercials and print ads and scrollers along the bottom of your TV screen over the last, let’s say, sixteen years, in February the television airwaves will be transitioning from analog to digital. What this means is, if you’re over sixty years old, the government is taking away your television forever. But don’t panic! You can still keep your television if you get one of these new-fangled digital conversion boxes and hook it up to the back of your TV, like you did with your VCR or DVD player. So, needless to say, you’re going to need help.

Well, who better for the task than recently forgotten “celebrity” Joe the Plumber? You remember Joe the Plumber, don’t you? He was the guy that John McCain brought up in casual conversation 28 times during the last debate and then brought along with him on the rest of his campaign stops, like some kind of a pet labradoodle. Despite everyone finding out that Joe the Plumber wasn’t really a plumber, nor was his name really Joe, plus that he was kind of a tax cheat, he still helped carry the McCain/Palin ticket to a crushing electoral victory over both Bob Barr AND Ralph Nader. Having suceeded at whatever it was he was attempting to do, “Joe” the “Plumber” now sets his sights on another important transition in America – swindling your grandmother of her hard-earned money when she switches to digital television.

Because when it comes to the highly complicated task of switching your television from analog to digital reception, who better to turn to than a plumber? For that same reason, I refuse to let anyone work on the plumbing in my household that isn’t formally endorsed by Larry the Cable Guy.

This man is an inspiration to losers everywhere. Previously it was thought to become famous without possessing any sort of talent whatsoever, you had to be moderately attractive, like your Paris Hiltons or Kim Kardashians or Heidis or Spencers or other people who are only famous for pretending to be famous. But Joe the Plumber proves that you can be both an unattractive, balding, fat load and still manage to convince other people to let you go on television on their behalf based on your supposed popularity. Joe the Plumber is on TV because Joe the Plumber is on TV. He is a Morbius Strip unto himself.

But perhaps I’m being too hard on the fat, worthless piece of shit. I happened to get my hands on a copy of the follow-up Joe the Plumber commercial, where he displays what I have to admit to be better musical talents than I had assumed he possessed. If you don’t believe me, watch for yourself.

So if Joe the Plumber continues to insist on sticking around in the public eye far past his expiration date, I think the least the guy can do is shove a toy saxophone down his cheesehole and perform a little song and dance act to better entertain the masses. Maybe if he’d gone in that direction during the election instead of that whole “socialism” bullshit, we’d have a President John McCain right now. But yeah, probably not.