In these economic uncertain times, you may be wondering how to get the most bang for your buck and/or where you’re going to find food to eat tonight. The answer is in investments. Now is the perfect time to get in on the ground floor on the products of tomorrow. Just think if you’d had the foresight to invest in the iPod just eight years ago. But you didn’t, and now you’re eating cat food sandwiches because of it. But you don’t have to be a loser forever. I’m here to tell you where to invest your money now so that you can be rich tomorrow.

Starting with the following gem. Some things just defy explanation.

This, however, does not. There is much that can be explained here.

See, here’s the deal. Like you, I’m sure you have occasionally experienced the shortcomings of walking. Sure, it gets you to where you’re going, but at what cost? You end up getting all tired and sweaty, and who likes sweaty people? Not me. So what if I were to tell you there was a different way of walking that was just like walking, but now with a higher degree of difficulty in turning and absolutely no way of stopping, short of turning around and running backwards quickly? Sure, you’ll still be tired afterwards, but at least you’ll be able to run over cats more efficiently, thanks to this advancement in the latest stone age Flintstones technology.

Now is the time to invest. Run. Don’t walk.

Or, if you happen to think, for some reason, that a mobile treadmill is an idiotic idea, perhaps you’d be interested in the following alternative. You may have often thought that bikes are pretty cool, but in the event of an accident, you’d only end up killing yourself. What if you could kill five or six of your closest friends at the same time? Well, worry no more, my friend. The answer is at hand.

This is the conference bike, so named because it’s the first bike that allows you to have business conferences on it while riding. This is one of those inventions that is sure to revolutionize the way that we, as Americans, do business. I would wager to say that by this time next year, your place of business will undoubtedly have replaced the conference room with one of these bikes, and your weekly production meetings will go for five miles rather than fifteen minutes. Just think how much healthier we’ll all be!

You know what my favorite part of conference biking would be? Prolonged awkward staring.

So by this point, you’ve probably invested close to everything you own in the treadmill with wheels and the bicycle you can ride on facing backwards, but assuming you have any money left, here’s where to put it.

Finally, a water scooter completely powered by the spastic hopping of its rider. How civilization has made it this far without someone having already invented this, I have no Earthly idea. I bet Edison thought of it at least once, but he probably just forgot to write it down or something. Regardless, it’s here today, and it’s likely to revolutionize the way people walk across water, as opposed to the current method, drowning.

So now that you’ve exclusively seen the space age technology of tomorrow that will get us to where we’re going in the most embarrassing ways possible, you can take what little money you still have left and double triple quadruple extramillilluple it by providing these genius inventors with the funds they need to share their gifts with a waiting world. So get to it. Forward all funds to me via my contact information located below. I’ll pass the money on through the proper channels. No, really.