Remember when the fair would come to town? If you grew up in a smallish town like I did, there was that one magical week of the year when the county fair would run and a row of creaky, rusty carnival rides would suddenly appear on the otherwise vacant skyline. You’d run down to the fairgrounds to ride as many of them as possible before you threw up your funnel cake all over a carny. It was a yearly tradition. Once they were gone, you’d be sad for about a week and then go on with your life, almost completely forgetting about the rides and the cotton candy and the shifty, greasy carnies.

This isn’t exactly how Amy Wolfe feels about carnival rides, or at least one particular carnival ride; the 1001 Nachts. Amy has ridden the ride over 3000 times since she fell hopelessly in love with it at the tender age of 13. Yes, I said “fell in love.” See, turns out that Amy Wolfe has a rare disorder called “objectum sexuality,” where a person has strong feelings of love and sexual attraction toward inanimate objects. This is going far beyond the typical “I love my car,” “I can’t live without my iPhone” kind of attraction. Amy is planning to marry 1001 Nachts.

She’s even taking the name of the ride’s manufacturer, Weber, as her surname. No shit.

If you think for one second that at least a dozen companies aren’t pondering the marketing possibilities of getting some poor sap to fall in love, really fall in love, with one of their products, you’re horribly misguided. In fact, I’m almost certain Ford is looking into a new ad campaign using farmers who left their wives for their Ford trucks. Imagine a montage of grizzled farmers getting snuggly with their F-150s to Bryan Adams’ “Everything I Do, I Do It For You.” Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it?

Amy has never had a boyfriend other than the 1001, which is both admirable and completely explains why she’s in love with a carnival ride.

I know what you’re thinking; but what about the sexual part? How does she have sex with a carnival ride? Well, Amy says that she has pictures of the 1001 all over her bedroom and that she uses them as aids for when she…well, you know. Says Amy, “We could never have sex where he lives, because it’s public and it would be indecent.” It sure would, Amy, it sure would.