Journey with me back to the hallowed days of 2004. You may recall that was the year we were all doing a dance called the Funky Armadillo and a handful of horse feed was only a buck and a hay penny. But what also happened in that year I don’t remember all that well was a fellow by the name of Jay Leno who was, at the time, the host of the Tonight Show for some stupid reason, made an announcement that he was going to retire in the year 2009 and hand over the reins of the Tonight Show to Conan O’Brien. I still recall the day very well, sitting at the same desk that I’m sitting at right now, and the two thoughts I had that day: 1) You mean to tell me that in only five years, I can watch Conan at 10:30 each night and not have to ever see Jay Leno ever again? This is the greatest news ever! and 2) There is no way Jay Leno is retiring in five years.

I hate being right.

If I have to recap the late night situation for you, you either aren’t paying attention or you have your priorities straight and are paying more attention to the crisis in Haiti. If it’s the latter, bully. Please send them money. But either way, I don’t feel any pressing need to break down what’s happening. What I can say is this: There is only one good thing coming out of Conan O’Brien being forced out of the Tonight Show after only seven months and it is this: The world can finally see Jay Leno for the disingenuous piece of dog crap that he’s always been.

I think we can all agree that there is something seriously wrong in a world where Jay Leno can almost single-handedly destroy an entire network and Conan O’Brien is the one looking for a new job. And that’s the thing that should be mentioned in every single story on the subject of the Conan situation: This is all Jay Leno’s fault. He was the one who said five years ago, whether it was his idea or not, that he was leaving his job. He was the one who then undermined his replacement by agreeing to do a late night talk show in prime time. He was the one who, rather than provide the completely revamped show experience that he promised, instead delivered a watered-down, rearranged format of the same Tonight Show he’d been doing for the last seventeen years that nobody wanted to watch. And now, rather than accept the fact that he didn’t deliver, rather than live up to the promise he made five years ago, he is the one who has no shame whatsoever in going along with the idiot network executives’ idea to jam him back into late night, popular opinion be damned.

Jay Leno failed. And it’s Jay Leno who deserves to pay the price for that. Not Conan O’Brien, and not the people who work for Conan.

And on top of all that, besides Jay Leno being a weasel, a kiss-ass, and a generally despicable human being, he’s also apparently the world’s stupidest human being. Because only the world’s stupidest human being would have willingly walked right into this:

What you just witnessed there, if you didn’t know, was Jay Leno attempting to “put Jimmy Kimmel in has place” after Kimmel spent his entire show on Tuesday dressed up as Jay and ridiculing Jay. Because Jay Leno feels he needs to do that, being the king of late night and all. Gotta keep the peasants in their place. So there was Jay Leno getting Kimmel back, by letting him come onto his failed prime time show and ridicule him and his inability to sire children to his face while his own audience laughed at him. Sure showed him, didn’t you, Jay?

Here’s hoping Leno gets Letterman to fall in line by having Dave fly to L.A. and punch him in the balls repeatedly.

But here we are, it’s 1992 all over again and Jay Leno is doing the only thing that he’s ever really been any good at – stealing the Tonight Show from someone else more deserving. But to what ends? I just finished talking to my co-worker, the one who loves Leno and hates Conan, and even he doesn’t know what Leno’s game is here. Why take back the Tonight Show when he already walked away from it on top? Is it for his legacy? Can’t be that. This whole disaster is now Leno’s legacy. Is it for the money? He doesn’t need it. He has more money than God or Oprah. So why does Leno willingly make himself America’s most hated monster? Chances are you shouldn’t take my opinion on it, but here it is anyway. Despite all of Leno’s success as Tonight Show host, he still does not hold a candle on the legacy of Johnny Carson. And I don’t think Leno wants to have both his predecessor and his successor end up being more successful than he was. So what’s a guy to do to ensure he doesn’t go down in history as the Tonight Show’s crappiest host? I’ll show you.

Meet your new Tonight Show host, circa 2015 when Leno drops dead behind his desk. Give him one thing, Leno may be a prick, but he’s one sadistic evil genius of a prick.

So, yeah, I don’t like Jay Leno. Which is fine because now, thanks to Jay Leno’s massive ego, nobody else likes him either. And now Conan can move from the fourth place network to the first and maybe even bring back the Masturbating Bear, Letterman can get one last chance to knock Leno on his ass before he retires, and thanks to the dynamite comedic teaming of Jay Leno and Jimmy Fallon, I never have to watch NBC ever again. When you think about it that way, everybody’s a winner. Except Jay Leno. Which is just the way things should be.