There is an old, stupid saying here in North Dakota that “Forty below keeps out the riffraff.” This statement was first invented to provide solace to the broken and beaten North Dakotan populace by saying that true, there may be a lot of snow here and temperatures are well below those the human body is capable of surviving, but hey, at least it scares off the minorities! Well, I think I’m finally reaching the point where my innate bigotry towards people different than myself is no longer an adequate justification for remaining in this uninhabitable state.

This morning, when I woke up, it was 44 degrees below zero. That’s not including the wind chill. That was the actual temperature. Just as a visual demonstration, here is what happens when you throw a hot cup of coffee (with creamer) into the air in 44 degree below zero temperatures.

Now imagine that’s your organs. Pretty much the same thing happens.

And on top of temperatures at levels only polar bears are comfortable with, we’ve also have had, by my count, 35 inches of accumulated snowfall in Bismarck since the beginning of winter. And since the temperature hasn’t been above freezing for even a second since the end of September, that means every single snowflake that’s fallen is still here, sitting around and taking up space. If you’ve never seen a 17-foot-tall pile of snow before, it really is quite the sight. Especially when they’re along the edges of every flipping street in the entire town.

See this right here? That’s where my parking space at work used to be. I guess I’m just happy my car wasn’t there at the time.

So there’s too much snow in Bismarck, and it’s not going anywhere for the next three months or so, and the city’s doing a somewhat piss poor job of getting rid of it. How are the people of Bismarck dealing with these unfortunate circumstances? With the stoicism and calm, steady nerve that we’re known for.

Ah, the sweet flavor of sarcasm. Revenge really is a dish best served cold.

So considering we’re only at the beginning of January, meaning winter is at best only half over, by my calculations the entire state will be blanketed by 50 feet of snow by March, suffocating and killing the entire population of North Dakota. And I welcome this development, because I am just so tired of shoveling.

This state may not technically be hell, but it’s close. At least hell would be warm.