HEY. SO I FOUND OUT THIS NEW THING THAT’S GOING TO MAKE ME A MUCH BETTER WRITER THAN I WAS BEFORE. IT’S CALLED CAPS LOCK. HAVE YOU HEARD OF IT?

CAPS LOCK IS LIKE MAGIC, ONLY BETTER. YOU MAY NOT HAVE NOTICED, BUT I’M USING IT RIGHT NOW. WHAT IT DOES IS IT MAKES LETTERS BIGGER, BECAUSE IT CAPITALIZES ALL OF THEM. AND YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE TO WASTE TIME TRYING TO REMEMBER WHICH WORDS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE CAPITALIZED, LIKE IS IT THE FIRST OR THE SECOND WORD OF EACH SENTENCE OR WHICH STATES ARE SUPPOSED TO BE CAPITALIZED AND DO I DO IT WITH EVERYBODY’S NAME OR JUST PEOPLE THAT I LIKE. NO NEED TO WORRY, BECAUSE YOU’RE CAPITALIZING GODDAMN EVERYTHING, SO YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE TO STOP AND THINK. YOU CAN JUST KEEP WRITING. WHICH IS COOL.

SO HERE’S HOW IT WORKS. LOOK DOWN AT YOUR KEYBOARD. THERE’S THIS BUTTON ON THERE THAT SAYS CAPS LOCK. PRESS THAT BUTTON. NOW EVERYTHING YOU TYPE IS BETTER. BECAUSE IT’S BIGGER, AND IF THINGS ARE BIGGER, THEY’RE HARDER TO NOT PAY ATTENTION TO. LIKE THIS GUY I KNOW WHO EVERYONE LISTENS TO BECAUSE HE’S SCREAMING ALL THE TIME. IT’S REALLY HARD TO IGNORE HIM, SO NOBODY DOES. I WANT TO BE JUST LIKE THAT GUY.

YOU MIGHT BE FINDING ALL THIS HARD TO BELIEVE, BUT IT TURNS OUT I HAVE PROOF. CHECK OUT THIS PHOTO THAT OPENED UP MY EYES.

YEAH, SEE? I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT’S GOING ON HERE, BUT IT DOESN’T MATTER. BECAUSE IT’S BREAKING NEWS AND IT’S ALL CAPS FOR THE HEADER, AND ALL CAPS FOR THE SUBHEAD. THE BREAKING NEWS IS THAT IT’S ALL CAPS. ALL CAPS. THAT IS BREAKING NEWS!

SO YOU’RE LAUGHING NOW, BUT YOU WON’T BE LATER, BECAUSE I SWEAR TO GOD. BY THIS TIME NEXT YEAR, EVERYONE ON THE INTERNET WILL BE WRITING JUST LIKE THIS. EVERY EMAIL FORWARD YOU GET FROM YOUR PARENTS WILL BE IN ALL CAPS. EVERY COMPLAINT LETTER YOUR GRANDMOTHER WRITES TO WAL-MART WILL BE IN ALL CAPS. CAPS LOCK IS WHAT WILL MAKE OUR LIVES BETTER.

GET IN ON THE CRAZE RIGHT NOW. DO IT. OR SO HELP ME.