To whom it may concern:
I understand that you were trampled to death by a mob of thrifty bargain hunters loopy on cranberries and gas station coffee. I was not at a store like Wal-Mart during the mad rush for Tickle-Me-Britney, or whatever the new toy of the season is. I was fast asleep dreaming about mashed potatoes.
When I awoke and read the paper the day after this horrible incident, I envisioned a sort of “Running of the bulls”. Wal-Mart staff in red vests running down the aisles being chased by a frenzied crowd of wii-needers. Maybe a Wal-Mart employee would jump on top of the house wares aisles or behind the desk at the photo counter. But you, the poor soul who met their demise in a Wal-Mart under hundreds of pairs of Velcro-closure shoes, I salute you. You met the challenge head one and made no excuses. You are an honorable person but tragically not even your pricing gun could defend you.
I hope people will now remember you each time they walk into a Wal-Mart by pausing for a moment and then rushing by the greeter to buy gallons of fizzy water.