A couple years back, McDonald’s put out a web ad that I, at the time, thought might have been the funniest goddamn thing ever. See, it’s one of them flashing banner ads featuring a curly-haired teenage moppet longingly staring at a burger while the words “Double Cheeseburger? I’d hit it.” flash in the background. See for yourself.

Now for those of you who have actually left the confines of your basement within the last thirty years and/or not currently working on McDonald’s marketing staff, you already know that the phrase “I’d hit it.” means “I would have sex with it.” So, basically, McDonald’s was advertising that their burgers were so good that you’d want to have sexual relations with them. At the time, I dismissed the whole thing as some poor, pitiful marketing executive somewhere being hopelessly out of touch with the youth of today, with their iPods and Game Boys and the ALF. But now, I’m starting to wonder if it wasn’t an accident, and if McDonald’s was just ahead of their time in advertising hamburgers as something you’d want to put your privates into.

Take, for example, this new advertisement for Burger King for their “Super Seven Incher.” I think they’re trying to allude to something with this, but I have no idea what.

Maybe I’m just being dense, but for the life of me I just do not understand what this ad is trying to say. Regardless, I am very, very offended, for some reason I don’t know. Anyway, let’s keep moving.

When it really comes down to blurring the line between greasy hot fast food and greasy hot sex, no one comes close to touching Carl Jr’s/Hardees. These guys have been hard at work trying to make the somewhat tenuous connection between really hot, really annoying women and their really unhealthy, really unappetizing looking burgers for years and years and years. But since the somewhat disturbing image of half-naked women simulating sex with a hamburger wasn’t quite getting the job done, they’ve decided to skip the nuances and just start selling a new item that you can name after your balls.

First off, this is the first that I’ve heard that biscuits had holes. Weird. Second, hey, you know what I don’t want to be thinking about when I’m having my lunch? Testicles. There’s a time and a place for jokes involving your nuts. Lunchtime is not one of them.

Ugh. I think I’m gonna be sick.

But hey, I saved the worst for last. I’m not even going to tell you what this one is about. You’re just going to have to watch it and see for yourself.

Absolutely unforgivable. Did you see the things that blue dog was doing? Pure smut. Won’t somebody please think of the children?

Look, fast food advertisers, I assure you that we’re all very busy these days. But believe it or not, time is not so tight that we need to combine our fast food eating with our hardcore pornography. Those can actually be kept in different corners. So please, no matter how hungry I might be for a Big Mac, I assure you, I do not want to hit that.

NOTE: Having just finished reading over the Digg comments on this story, I have come to three realizations. One, I apparently come off as kind of a jackass. There’s something I wish I would’ve known about earlier in life. Two, sarcasm in writing is a terribly difficult skill to pull off and should never be attempted ever by anyone in any situation. And three, I somehow forgot to include the Quizno’s commercial where the magical talking sandwich oven tells the Marmaduke-looking Quizno’s employee to “put it in him,” a mistake for which I would seem to need to be punched in the face more often for having committed. Internet, I’m terribly sorry for having met your disapproval. Here’s that commercial you needed in order to feel complete. Now, please, stop asking me to do stuff.