There’s certainly been no shortage of blog topics in the last few weeks or so. There’s the South Carolina governor who was hiking in the Appalachians and made a wrong turn or two and ended up in Argentina cheating on his wife. There was Michael Jackson finally, definitively losing his battle against growing older. And there was Sarah Palin continuing to do Sarah Palin things, for some reason. Yessir, lots of interesting topics for a blog post to be found.

So now after taking the last week off, I’d like to write about my cell phone.

If you don’t currently live in a state with the word “Dakota” in its title, you may not be aware that those of us who do have two choices for our cell phone coverage: Verizon Wireless or Verizon Wireless conglomerate Altell Wireless. Which basically means that if we want a phone, it’s Verizon who gets our money. So since I don’t have access to an iPhone 3GS or a Palm Pre, it falls upon me to take that out on the rest of you somehow. Since I am now an Internet celebrity, I figure the best way of going about this is to imply that my phone is better than everyone else’s, and then just wait for the flaming to commence. At the least, I should be able to get up the dander of Nate, new iPhone 3GS owner that he is. And that’s always fun.

The enV Touch is Verizon’s new iPhone killer, following previous iPhone killers the Dare, the Voyager, the Versa, the Omnia, and Michael Myers from the Halloween films (the iPhone sure does have a lot of killers).The enV Touch is technically the successor to the Voyager and not of the enV, which is not a touch screen phone. The reason why it’s not called the Voyager 2 is because someone else already has the rights to that name and LG is too cheap to pay them for it, so it’s a Voyager, but it’s an enV. The whole thing is confusing and hurts my brain, so please don’t ask me to repeat it.

And now’s the time for my ego boost. I will now pit the enV Touch and the iPhone 3GS into mortal combat to see which emerges the winner. And as is my wont, I will be cheating with exaggerated claims, faulty information, unfair comparisons and just a general bad attitude. And hey, let’s throw in the Palm Pre for comparison’s sake while we’re at it, just for some more salt in the wounds. Because deep down, I’m just a very tiny person.

	enV Touch	iPhone 3GS	Palm Pre	My biased opinions
LCD Display	3 inches (internal) 3 inches (external)	3.5 inches	3.1 inches	It stands to reason that two screens are, in fact, larger than one.
Device Size	4.52 x 2.16 x 0.66 inches	4.50 x 2.40 x 0.48 inches	3.96 x 2.34 x 0.67 inches	I’ve been told that bigger is better. Is this not correct?
Weight	4.92 oz	4.76 oz	4.76 oz	Weight is also important, on the off change that you might need to hit someone over the head with your phone at some point in your life.
Camera and Camcorder	3.2 MP	3 MP	3 MP(no camcorder)	.2 FTW!
Flash	Yes	No	Yes	But hey, who needs light with photography, right? There’s always the sun.
Face Detection	Yes	No	No	It’s damned important to be certain that there are faces on the things you’re trying to shoot. I read that somewhere.
Panorama	Yes	No	No	There’s always scotch tape, I guess. Or just use your imagination.
Smile Detector	Yes	No	No
Intelligent Shot	Yes	No	No	I prefer to let my phone do my thinking for me. You know, mostly because I can.
Photo Editor	Yes	No	No	I can finally give my brother the extra nose I’ve always felt he needed.
Video Editor	Yes	Kinda	No	Seems if you’re gonna advertise your fancy “video editing,” you should have a few more features besides “edit length of video.”
Memory	250 MB	16GB or 32GB	8GB	Um, shut up.
Expandable Memory	Yes	No	No	Yeah, so suck on that, jerks.
Multitasking	Yes	No	Yes	It’s nice to know my phone is capable of doing more than one thing at a time. Unlike, say, me.
Keyboard	Yes	No	A very tiny one.	Who needs physical keys when you can write your text messages on a screen with your index fingers while squinting? That’s cool, right?
Voice Dialing	Yes	Yes	No	Only took them three iPhones to get voice dialing. Maybe Palm will catch up someday as well.
Flash Support	Yes	No	No	Good thing the Internet barely uses Flash for anything these days. AmIright?
Drawing Pad	Yes	No	No	Who wants a picture of a kitty? Anybody?
USB Mass Storage	Yes	No	Yes	They make jump drives pretty cheap these days. You could always just carry one of those around on your keychain.
Tethering	Yes	Eventually, maybe.	No	It’s a cell phone, a camera, and a modem? Can I also open cans with it? I CAN?!
Compass	No	Yes	No	Hey, all right! Now you can know which direction you’re walking in! Kickass!

And there you have it. I have now successfully convinced myself that I’m not missing out on anything. And in the end, isn’t making myself feel better what’s important? Damn right it is. But just for a capper…

Yup. That ought to do it.