You may not have been aware of it, since it was barely on any of the news channels or the Internet at all, but one of the most important summits of our time took place earlier this week when Sarah Palin and Donald Trump got together in New York City for dinner. And they ate exactly what you expected Donald Trump and Sarah Palin to eat together: greasy slices of pizza. And Donald Trump eats greasy pizza exactly the way you expected he would: two slices stacked on top of each other with a fork and a knife. OUTRAGE! OUTRAGE I SAY!

Look, I’m the last guy to judge anyone else’s eating habits. I used to eat my cereal by pouring the milk into the box. But seriously, just pick up the pizza. That’s how we do it here in America, cartoon rich man. It’s not going to melt your delicate stubby little fingers, I assure you.

But Trump being Trump, it’s not enough that he eats his pizza like how George Constanza eats his Snickers bars, he has to JUSTIFY IT to all of us, the poor simpletons who can’t possibly comprehend the boldness and think-outside-the-boxiveness that a visionary like Donald Trump possesses in cutting his pizza into bite-size pieces before granting it the privilege of introducing it to his golden-lined digestive system.

Yes, Donald. The issue isn’t that you eat your pizza with a fork, it’s that you eat it with a plastic fork. So to answer the question that everyone no one had, Donald Trump eats his pizza with plasticware because he doesn’t walk around with silverware all the time. Which makes him like you and me, as we also don’t walk around carrying a fork and spoon with us.

I don’t know about all the rest of you, but I feel like this upcoming election season has the potential of being the greatest thing of all time. And then when it’s over, the comet comes! Hooray!

Have we advanced far enough as a society that we can accept a a Black Taco as a part of our meal? At the risk of sounding unpopular, I say no. Sure, maybe I’m pejudiced against black tacos, but it doesn’t mean that I’m some backwards redneck. Backwards rednecks are probably buying these things up by the monster truck-full. I will never accept a black taco. Never!

We’ve all been on the short end of a long drive-thru line at our favorite fast-food joint. That horrible line of cars slowly inching forward, the one actually at the window apparently having ordered something the employees inside have had to go to TImbuktu to get.

By the time you actually get to the window, your food is most likely half-cold, your soda already soaking through the flimsy paper cup. It’s frustrating. It’s maddening. It’s almost enough to make a man go crazy, pull a gun and threaten the half-wit in the paper hat that handed you this crap. But you don’t, because a) your gun is resting quietly on the pillow you knitted for it, in it’s own room in your house and b) you’re not a psychopath and happen to be adult enough to get over it, eat the shitty food you know will one day kill you and get on with your day.

But, if you were a cop in Denver, you might not possess the restraint/separate room to keep your gun at home. Yes, it turns out that waiting a little longer for his Big Mac was more than Denver Police Officer Derrick Curtis Saunders could handle. He literally pulled his piece out and pointed it at the employee at the window. My best guess is that (soon to be former) Officer Saunders looks strikingly like the picture above.

For a bad cop story in the news, it’s refreshing to run across a little harmless (thankfully) gunplay instead of unnecessary tazing, racially motivated arrest or police brutality. Guy probably just wanted a GODDAMN LITRE OF COLA!!!!

A couple years back, McDonald’s put out a web ad that I, at the time, thought might have been the funniest goddamn thing ever. See, it’s one of them flashing banner ads featuring a curly-haired teenage moppet longingly staring at a burger while the words “Double Cheeseburger? I’d hit it.” flash in the background. See for yourself.

Now for those of you who have actually left the confines of your basement within the last thirty years and/or not currently working on McDonald’s marketing staff, you already know that the phrase “I’d hit it.” means “I would have sex with it.” So, basically, McDonald’s was advertising that their burgers were so good that you’d want to have sexual relations with them. At the time, I dismissed the whole thing as some poor, pitiful marketing executive somewhere being hopelessly out of touch with the youth of today, with their iPods and Game Boys and the ALF. But now, I’m starting to wonder if it wasn’t an accident, and if McDonald’s was just ahead of their time in advertising hamburgers as something you’d want to put your privates into.

Take, for example, this new advertisement for Burger King for their “Super Seven Incher.” I think they’re trying to allude to something with this, but I have no idea what.

Maybe I’m just being dense, but for the life of me I just do not understand what this ad is trying to say. Regardless, I am very, very offended, for some reason I don’t know. Anyway, let’s keep moving.

When it really comes down to blurring the line between greasy hot fast food and greasy hot sex, no one comes close to touching Carl Jr’s/Hardees. These guys have been hard at work trying to make the somewhat tenuous connection between really hot, really annoying women and their really unhealthy, really unappetizing looking burgers for years and years and years. But since the somewhat disturbing image of half-naked women simulating sex with a hamburger wasn’t quite getting the job done, they’ve decided to skip the nuances and just start selling a new item that you can name after your balls.

First off, this is the first that I’ve heard that biscuits had holes. Weird. Second, hey, you know what I don’t want to be thinking about when I’m having my lunch? Testicles. There’s a time and a place for jokes involving your nuts. Lunchtime is not one of them.

Ugh. I think I’m gonna be sick.

But hey, I saved the worst for last. I’m not even going to tell you what this one is about. You’re just going to have to watch it and see for yourself.

Absolutely unforgivable. Did you see the things that blue dog was doing? Pure smut. Won’t somebody please think of the children?

Look, fast food advertisers, I assure you that we’re all very busy these days. But believe it or not, time is not so tight that we need to combine our fast food eating with our hardcore pornography. Those can actually be kept in different corners. So please, no matter how hungry I might be for a Big Mac, I assure you, I do not want to hit that.

NOTE: Having just finished reading over the Digg comments on this story, I have come to three realizations. One, I apparently come off as kind of a jackass. There’s something I wish I would’ve known about earlier in life. Two, sarcasm in writing is a terribly difficult skill to pull off and should never be attempted ever by anyone in any situation. And three, I somehow forgot to include the Quizno’s commercial where the magical talking sandwich oven tells the Marmaduke-looking Quizno’s employee to “put it in him,” a mistake for which I would seem to need to be punched in the face more often for having committed. Internet, I’m terribly sorry for having met your disapproval. Here’s that commercial you needed in order to feel complete. Now, please, stop asking me to do stuff.

Like many of you, I like the assurance the the food product that I’m eating is safe and edible. The only way to do this properly, in my opinion, is to unnecessarily wrap each morsel individually to ensure freshness and gigantic amount of trash.

This is why I’m a big fan of two great products that I would never have normally eaten; Sunsweet Prunes and M&M’s Premiums. Yes, these two great foodstuffs are individually-wrapped for a reason. A reason I cannot fathom, but a reason nonetheless. I mean, how could we not all want to have cellophane and plastic wrapper strewn around our house?

I think that I’ll head down to the grocery store right now and purchase these two items, then place them in the canvas grocery bag that I bring with me grocery shopping, y’know, so I don’t waste any more plastic grocery bags, ‘cuz of the environment. The irony is completely lost on me, because I just want my individually-wrapped food, regardless of the toll it takes on the environment. When are they going to come out with individually-wrapped apples and bananas? That’d be awesome!

The city road crews of little Ankeny, Iowa have decided that it’s not tasty enough just to salt icy roads in the wintertime. They’ve decided to kick it up a notch. They’re garlic salting their roads.

I shit you not.

Turns out, a local spice producer was going to toss out a bunch of garlic salt until the city said, “Hey, we’ll take that there fancy salt of yer hands!” Only to find out that their supervisor actually expected them to use it on the streets. Workers have complained about getting hungry after a day of salting the roads and drivers have been seen leaning of their windows, trying to rub steaks and chicken on the asphalt. Pedestrians, likewise, are wandering around with empty salt shakers, stopping to scoop up some of that garlicky ice melting salt. The oddity has even spread to the outlying areas, as hog farmers have been driving into town for the sole purpose of rolling their swine down the street to, uh, tenderize them. Mmmm, garlic-rubbed pork chops…

There are billions of dollars spent every year on diets, weight loss clubs, and gym memberships that all swear they can help you fit into your skinny jeans. 

I’ll give you everything you need for free.  Why?  Because I’m a humanitarian and because I think it’s stupid to pay to get rid of anything.

1. Only buy food you marginally like.  Preferably the cheapest forms of that food.  Do you love chocolate?  Then go buy all that chocolate at the dollar store.  You can’t eat very much of the waxy, plastic-tasting chocolate imported from Mexico and labeled as “Chokolot”.  Better yet, got for the 10 for a dollar chocolate bars from China that taste like cardboard. 
2. Quit your job.  You won’t have money or access to fast food.  Being jobless, you will need to reevaluate exactly what you need to survive.  Chances are, it won’t include milk shakes at 10 pm every night.
3. Since eating is primarily a social event, tell all your family and friends to piss off.  Tell them that they smell like rotting Wal-Mart greeters in a heat wave and that you think they are all stupid.  Removing the social situations removes the food in those social situations.

Done.  There’s the Captain Not 3 step diet plan guaranteed to make you lose weight AND save you money.

During the holiday season, there is a hierarchy of gift types to buy.
1. If you like the person and want them to feel cared for, buy them something expensive and meaningful. Jewelry, electronics, diesel…
2. You are OK with this person exchanging oxygen for Carbon Dioxide and you wish them no harm—Inexpensive perfume, faux leather goods, Dollar Store music CDs from Kenny G.
3. You do not like these people. Why are they alive? Just to annoy you? I can’t believe I have to give a gift to these people! I hate court-ordered gift exchanges! Give Hickory Farms. Nothing says “I wish you harm” more than small meats and cheeses.

I wouldn’t categorize myself as anti-nut. I enjoy peanuts in moderation. I like the occasional candy walnut with my occasional salad. I’m not a nut racist. I’m friendly with nuts. I’ve eaten my fair share of peanut brittle.

It’s just that I object outright to the unnecessary use of nuts in food. Not everything needs to be injected with nuts. The world needs to be saved from dumb assholes who sneak crushed up walnuts into their chocolate chip cookies and brownies. That shit’s just rude.

Deez Nuts! (sorry, couldn't help myself)

Seriously, what is wrong with people? Chocolate chip cookies are eaten because they’re filled with chocolate, not nuts. Brownies are delicious because they’re, again, chocolate. People like chocolate, not covert, undercover nuts.

Think about M&Ms. There are many varieties of them; plain, peanut butter, crispy, peanut and…almond. Now, let’s say that you’re at a party and someone has a bowl of M&Ms sitting on a table with the rest of the snacks. You walk over and, being understandably excited, grab a handful. M&Ms are awesome, why wouldn’t you want some? But with your first bite, you discover that the M&Ms that you grabbed weren’t delicious like you assumed, they’re Almond M&Ms. That’s gross. No one likes almonds in their candy. Unless you go out and intend to buy a Almond Joy or something, almonds are just unwanted. Just like pistachios or hazelnuts.

What it basically comes down to, for me, is that nuts are fine, certain nuts of course, in moderation. Peanuts in Snickers bars are okay, I guess. But when people put walnuts in their brownies or in their chocolate chip cookies or even in their banana bread, they’re just assholes. Yes, that includes you, grandma. (just kidding, my grandmother knows better than to pull shit like that, she’s cool)

Some time ago, in late 2006, an associate and I created the greatest mixed drink since the Flaming Homer: The Squirtski*.

The recipe was kept under wraps, mainly due to the limited Squirt reserves and complete laziness on the part of it’s inventors. Hidden away, until today… The recipe is making it’s debut in a SodBlog exclusive:

Squirt + Whiskey + ice = The Squirtski

So try one today… Let the delightful blend of citrus and alcohol dance on your tongue and infuse your soul.^TM

*Warning – The Squirtski has a tendency to sneak up on a drinker, and may lead to late night theatrics/debauchery.