There’s this infomercial on TV right now that I need to watch every time it happens to grace my television. I wish I was watching it right now. Have you seen it? It’s for a product called Wax Vac or something that is a little vacuum cleaner that you stick into your ear canal and it sucks the ear wax straight out of your head. I know what you’re thinking, why didn’t I think of that? I know. It’s brilliant. But what’s more brilliant is the commercial, because the commercial has the greatest thing I’ve ever seen. And it’s this: There’s a scene where some poor, misguided soul is trying to use a Q-tip to clean out his ears, like a caveman. And, upon trying this antiquated action, he howls a shriek of pain unlike you’ve ever heard from anyone who wasn’t currently giving birth at the time. That howl. He screams so loudly that every time I see it, I am surprised that blood isn’t pouring out of that man’s ear. It is the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen, and I wish it was in front of my eyeballs at this very moment.
But thinking about that scene made me realize something. The makers of Wax Vac or whatever don’t seem to think much of my intellect. Think about it. These people are trying to sell me their product, and their method for doing so is by convincing me that I can’t possibly operate a Q-tip without hurting myself. A Q-tip. Literally two pieces of cotton attached to a stick. I’m not a genius by any shakes, but trust me, Wax Vac people, I can manage to put a Q-Tip in my ear without stabbing my brain.
But that’s not uncommon for infomercial makers, is it? That seems to be the only way the infomercial makers know how to sell their products, by convincing their audience that they are extremely fortunate to somehow still be alive right now, and will surely eventually perish for evolutionary reasons unless they buy this cheap piece of plastic crap that will do their simple tasks for them. It seems like a poor sales tactic to me, starting from the view point that your consumer base is far too stupid for normal human functions. But what do I know? It’s not like I work in advertising or anything.*
So it’s Friday, and yes, I am going to make a blog post entirely out of .gifs of people being stupid in infomercials. Don’t lie. You’re as excited as I am about this.
“Remote, channel 18, please. Remote? Channel 18! Remo…DAMMIT, REMOTE, I WILL KILL YOU!
“Dear God! Why do they just keep coming?”
Eggs. Am I right? All you want is an omelet, and then you’re chopping the egg in half with your fork and somehow there’s egg all over the counter. You know what I’m talking about.
Ah, jeez. Not again. Thanks a lot, Obama.
Sarah! Are you doing laundry in there? What did I tell you?
La la la gonna measure the windows quick and GLAVEN HAVEN SCHLOMOVEN HEYY NICE LADYYYYYY!!!!
They really should put warning labels onto plungers. “WARNING: If you use this at exactly a 65 degree angle, poop will fly up out of the toilet at your face.”
See, now this is what’s wrong with kids today. They’re all, like, oh no, how can we possibly stop this from happening? Shriek! Shriek in horror!
“This is so inconvenient! Why can’t they just make something to strap the flashlight to my head while I eat my spaghetti in the dark?”
Oh, man. I hate when that happens.
Yeah, no. It was a good plan. I don’t know what went wrong.
“Hello, 911? This is Hank Simmons. Yeah, I glued my hand to my shoe again.”
This one is so much worse when your first reaction is like mine: “OH MY GOD, HIS THUMB CAME OFF oh, wait, no, there it is”
It started off as a scuffle over the remote, and it ended with Sally on the couch, on her back, with all of her dead family members lying around her.
SERIOUSLY, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU STUPID KIDS?
“Did you see that? Am I wrong? Why does the spice cabinet hate me?”
Don’t laugh. This could happen to any one of you at any minute of the day.
Okay, I think that’s enough. You see what I mean? That’s what the infomercial people think you are like. Are you going to take that? It is time that we rose up as a people and told these Hollywood fat cats that hey, we are totally capable of not lighting ourselves on fire with our oven, and even if we did, our first instinct wouldn’t be to jump headfirst out of a window. That is stereotyping and we are not going to take it any longer. Who’s with me? I am marching on the Billy Mays Estate. Who will join me?
Actually, go on ahead without me. My head is trapped under my couch.
Bismarck resident Erik Hagen is the author of the SodBlog and please, somebody call 911. Send photographic proof that you can successfully pour a bowl of cereal to email@example.com.
* I do work in advertising. I’ve mentioned this before. Why don’t you ever remember these things?