Good news, everybody! You remember all that polite listening you used to always have to do when other people were talking? Well, no more of that shit! Got something you want to say RIGHT FRICKING NOW? Don’t hold it in. Let it out! Because everyone knows, suppressing your idiot opinions damages your kidneys.
In case you’ve had your head jammed in a storm drain for the last week (and honestly, why would anyone do that?), we had not one, not two, but three incidences of super smart people letting everyone know their super smart opinions just as soon as they thought to have them, decorum be damned. Let’s review these cases, and see what if we can make ourselves into better people as a result.
INSOLENT JACKASS #1: Joe Wilson
Remember the glorious days of yesteryear, like this time last week, when you had no idea who the hell Joe Wilson was? Well, those days are over, pal. Now, one idiotic blurting out loud later, you’ll never again be able to enjoy a Joe Wilson-less world. Which is a shame, really, because just look at this guy.
If words could have smells, this guy would literally reek of “schmuck.”
WHAT HAPPENED: Like the rest of the Republican congressmen, Joe Wilson was forced to sit through President Obama’s dumb boring speech on health care or something else lame. So he managed to get through most of it like the rest of his buddies, either by sitting on his hands or twittering on his Blackberry or waving around sheets of paper or anything else short of listening. But then he did manage to catch this one part where the President actually tried to say that his health care bill wouldn’t give brown people free health insurance, which triggered an uncontrollable urge deep within Joe Wilson’s belly to scream out “LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE,” cause he was pretty sure he read that bill and he remembered there was this whole big part where everyone in Mexico got free health care. And that’s when everything just went straight to shit.
WAS THE JACKASSERY JUSTIFIED? Well, see, it turns out that the health care bill actually kinda specifically says that illegal immigrants aren’t eligible for health care under the President’s plan. But still, it’s not like Joe Wilson specifically said that Obama was lying about that illegal immigrant thing. All the guy said was “You lie!” which could be referring to anything. Chances are pretty good Obama’s lied about something at least once in his life.
DID HE APOLOGIZE? Yep. Right away, in fact, even though he still determinedly stated that he was right about the guy lying, even though he wasn’t. But since he’s still kind of a douche, everybody wants him to apologize a few more times in front of the whole House of Representatives, or else they’ll disapproval the living hell right out of him. Which, as I understand it, involves some very severe finger wagging.
END RESULT: Wilson’s Democratic opponent in the next election received a million dollars in donations in the next two days following Wilson’s outburst. So if you want to strike it rich, the lesson is clear: Just don’t be Joe Wilson.
INSOLENT JACKASS #2: Serena Williams
WHAT HAPPENED: Whilst playing in the semifinals of the U.S. Open, a questionable call by an official caused Serena to offhandedly suggest “If I could, I would take this [expletive] ball and shove it down your [expletive] throat.” So the official said, “That’s it. You lose.” And that was that.
WAS THE JACKASSERY JUSTIFIED?: To be fair, the call kinda sucked. But still, if it was Maria Shaprova threatening to shove a ball down your throat, you’d just laugh it off. Serena Williams, though, I’m pretty sure she could actually pull that shit off.
DID SHE APOLOGIZE? Oh, most certainly. She said she just got a little bit overexcited, and after the outburst, she “wanted to give [the official] a big hug … and tell her I was sorry.” Which is almost certainly a trap.
END RESULT: Williams was fined $10,000 for the rant and, as mentioned, lost the match because of it. The high judges of tennis are also exploring other ways of punishing her. Like making her wear a sign that says JERK around her neck during her next match or making her eat a bug or something like that.
INSOLENT JACKASS #3: Kanye West
During any given week, Kanye West is already a jackass. But this week, wanting to make sure he wasn’t outstaged by the politician screaming out loud at the President of the United States and the tennis player threatening to murder a line judge, Kanye decided to jump on stage at the MTV Video Music Awards and ruin 19-year-old Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech for Best Female Video by screaming that Beyonce was totally robbed.
WAS THE JACKASSERY JUSTIFIED?: Have you seen the Taylor Swift video? It’s She’s All That shortened down to 3 minutes, and that movie had freaking Freddie Prinze Jr. in it. Why exactly is that worthy of an award? But, hey, if Beyonce was cool with it winning, what the hell business was it of Kanye West’s? Dude, you’re not even in that category. Would you please just once chill the fuck out?
DID HE APOLOGIZE? By my count, he’s apologized about fifteen times by now. Once on his ALL CAPS, ALL THE TIME blog, once to Jay Leno after the asshole demanded to know what his dead mother would think of him, and now just muttering it over and over to himself for the last day or so.
END RESULT: Beyonce went on to win Video of the Year, and donated her time to Taylor Swift so she could finish her acceptance speech. Which would have made Kanye feel pretty damn stupid, if Kanye West possessed the ability to feel stupid about any of the stuff he does.
And there you have it. Turns out your grandfather was right all along. The problem with all you damn kids is that you don’t have any respect for anything. So please, take the rest of the day to feel very sorry about whatever disrespectful thing you had planned to do in the near future. And then just do it anyway. Because how the hell else are you going to get anyone to pay any attention to you?
Nobility is just such a drag, man.