With all the talk in the news about Next Year’s Presumptive President of the United States Barack Obama and Next Year’s Presumptive Unwilling Admittee to a Retirement Home John McCain, not a lot of ink is being devoted towards anyone else in the presidential race. But Erik, I hear you say with my superhuman Internet listening abilities, aren’t those two the only two candidates in the race for President? The short answer is yes. The long answer is no, you simple-minded twit. See, along with Ralph Nader who is making yet another hilarious run for the presidency, there is also one other candidate who is not nearly getting the attention that he deserves.
Bob Barr’s mustache.
Friends, I can’t explain why, but for some reason Bob Barr’s mustache just makes me happy. Bob Barr’s mustache makes me want to pick daisies and roll around in fields. Bob Barr’s mustache always manages to put a smile on my face and a song in my heart. Bob Barr’s mustache makes me want to be a better person. Bob Barr’s mustache is kind of like my idol.
So what is it about Bob Barr’s mustache that makes it superior in every other way to other mustaches? It’s simple, really. Other mustache wearers inevitably take things too far, going for the handlebar or pushbroom or Rollie Fingers or what have you. But not Bob Barr. Bob Barr’s mustache is a perfectly straight line, the kind of mustache that says to a person, “I didn’t put that much thought into this when I grew it.” It’s a mustache just for the sake of being a mustache. I don’t know how or when Bob Barr grew his mustache, but on the monumental day when Bob Barr’s mustache first appeared on Bob Barr’s upper lip, I’d like to think it happened something like this:
Yes, in my dreams, Bob Barr is a big blue-suited superhero who fights crime, with a sidekick in a moth suit. And Bob Barr’s mustache did appear on his lip one morning without warning, and it just made Bob Barr that much more of a force to be reckoned with.
At this point, you may be either questioning my sanity or, hopefully, questioning what qualifies Bob Barr’s mustache to be the next President. My argument is this: If the 2008 election truly is a “change” election as the media pundits have declared it, then it seems to me that that there is only one candidate that truly represents “change” – Bob Barr’s mustache. Bob Barr’s mustache is an advocate for “change” by not even being the same color as the rest of the hair on Bob Barr’s head. Now that, my friends, is “change” that we can believe in.
So screw the formalities. I think it’s far past time that I finally made a stand for something. Something good. Something true. Something honest. Something important. Something mustache. It’s time I make my official endorsement for this election. My official endorsement for President of America in the year 2008 is for Bob Barr’s mustache. Vote Bob Barr’s Mustache in ’08, becuase if Bob Barr’s mustache could vote independently of Bob Barr himself, it would probably vote for you.